


If Things Were Different

by RecluseWriter



Category: End Roll (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Gen, Mild Language, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:00:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23433553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RecluseWriter/pseuds/RecluseWriter
Summary: If Russell didn't kill himself.
Comments: 36
Kudos: 37





	1. If Someone Was There

Waiting in silence. Listening to see if anyone was walking down the hall. It shouldn't be taking this long, right? The kid should be finished with the experiment by now. He was worried. Did something not go right? Was the kid not waking up? Sitting with these thoughts at his desk wasn't doing him any good. Why not go see himself? He didn’t have the key to open the door but standing by the door wasn’t going to hurt anybody. Raymond stepped outside his office and started making his way down the hall.  
“Hey Raymond!”  
Raymond turned around to see two familiar people. They were the people that had been working with Russell outside of the dream. He saw them around from time to time either holding some of Russell’s documents or talking about the 14 year old.  
“We were heading to go pick up Subject #23. If you like, you could come with us. Might be nice for him to see someone he’s had a little more interaction with.”  
:Yeah. Of course.”  
Raymond tried to hide his excitement and happiness. Employees of Dreamsend were not supposed to get attached to any of the subjects. He didn’t need to get into trouble more than he could be if the higher ups found out.  
“We should get there quickly. Wouldn’t want to keep him waiting.”  
“If you want to rush, go ahead. We’re going to take our time. The subject can wait, but if you really want to….Take this.”  
The man employee with glasses reached into his pocket and handed Raymond a key.  
“It’s the key to Subject #23’s room.”  
“Thank you.”  
And with that, Raymond has off down the hall at speed walking pace. Once he turned the corner, Raymond started to run. There wasn’t usually anybody in the hall that held the subjects. No one was going to see him smiling like an idiot. No one was going to see him rush into the room and give Russell hugs and hair ruffles. No one was going to see him like a doting dad. Raymond soon reached Russell’s room and unlocked the door. As soon as he opened, he was met with a frightening scene.  
Russell had pressed the syringe up to his throat. Not enough to break the skin but I looked as though he was close. Russell looked over at Raymond with sorrowful eyes. Raymond was tempted to grab the syringe out of Russell’s hand but decided against it. It would take Russell fewer seconds to plunge the syringe into his throat compared if Raymond went to grab it. He was scared. He never felt this scared in his life. He didn’t want to watch this kill himself.

Come on Raymond! Think of something! Don’t let him kill himself!

“Russell…..”  
Raymond lowered himself on to his knees and talked in a low calm voice.  
“Please don't do this. Give me the syringe. Please…..”  
He very slowly started to shift towards Russell.  
“I don’t deserve to live……. I can’t live…..”  
Tears slowly started to run down Russell’s face.  
“Killing yourself isn’t going to fix anything. You’re just going to hurt more people.”  
“Who………”  
Raymond saw Russell’s grip on the syringe tighten.  
“Yue, Fairia, Walter, me….”  
“I’m sorry….I’m sorry…..”  
Russell lowered the syringe and Raymond took the opportunity to grab the syringe. He tossed out into the hall and wrapped his arms around Russell. He held him close. Russell started to violently.  
“I’m sorry…..I’m sorry…..I’m sorry……”  
Raymond gently began to stroke Russell’s hair.  
“It’s ok Russ. Raymond’s gonna take care of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading. Hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> I really wanted to make it after Russell did kill himself.  
> Definitively will in future though


	2. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone comes to talk with Russell.

The room was pure with only a small, simple bed. It was usually always quiet except when some officials came by to check on him. They put him in here as a way to “protect” him. How’s putting him in a room with nothing but a bed, himself, and his thoughts. How can you protect someone if you are protecting them from themselves?  
Russell didn’t know how long it had been since the end of the experiment. It was the same thing everyday. In the morning, he would be woken up to eat. Go back to sleep or sit and think. Both were violent either in dream and thoughts. Repeat till someone comes in to tell him it's time for him to go to bed. Repeated and repeated. On some occasions when Russell decided to stay awake, he heard people talking. It was usually about him or his aunt. His aunt had agreed to take custody of him but there was someone else fighting for custody of him.   
One day, a blonde haired woman came into his room. Russell had never seen her before. He assumed she didn’t work at Dreamsend since she wasn’t wearing a suit. She carried a few files, a notebook, and pen. She walked over to the bed where Russell was sitting and sat down on the floor facing him.  
“Hi Russell! I’m Mrs. Mare, but if you like you can call me Alice.”  
Alice held out her hand with a smile. Russell looked at her hand before reaching his own hand out to shake hers. She adjusted herself on the floor and placed her notebook on her lap and held her pen.   
“I’m just here to ask you a few questions and I want you to be honest with me. If you don’t understand a question, just ask me to explain. And if you don’t want to answer one, pat your leg for me, but only do that if you really don’t want to answer the question. Understand all that?”  
Russell gave a small nod.  
“All right then. First question. Who is Eliza Howell in relation to you?”  
Russell sat there and thought to himself.  
Eliza Howell. Was she referring to my aunt?  
Russell had only heard that once which was when his mother was talking on the phone asking for money. The person on the other end said no and his mother yelling demanding money.   
“Aunt.”  
Russell watched as Alice wrote something down in her notebook.  
“Ok! Next question. Who is Raymond Costa in relation to you?”  
Relation? He wasn’t blood related in any way. Did a friend count as a relation?  
“Friend.”  
Alice nodded her head and wrote something down.   
“How well do you know your aunt? Do you know her personality? Where she lives and so on and so forth.”  
“Not well. I don’t really know her.”  
“Ok then...Next question…”  
Russell noticed that Alice’s voice had changed slightly into a more concerned one.   
“How well do you know Mr. Costa?”  
“Well.”  
“Could you tell me more on what you know?”  
Why did that matter? If they are allowing him a chance to earn custody, surely they would have had to have had a background check or at least asked people he knew about him. Why did it matter what I knew about him?  
“Well, he is a womanizer, he likes to drink, and smoke. But he really is a kind person. He has never done anything to hurt me.”  
Alice wrote something and looked up at Russell with a smile. Alice’s questioning went on for a bit. Most of the questions had simple, short answers while others required longer answers. Russell found Alice confusing. She never tried to make him uncomfortable and even if he seemed any bit uncomfortable at any point, she would apologize and asked if he wanted to take a break. She always paid attention to everything Russell said.   
Did she know what I had done? How many people’s lives I destroyed? She has to know. Then why isn’t she scared. I mean they are still nice to me. They know. Then why are they nice to me? Why? They should hate me. Why don’t they? Why does he want me to live with him? Why does he want to look after me?  
Tears slowly started to roll down Russell’s cheeks. Alice noticed and jumped up and sat next to Russell.  
“Hey. It’s ok. What’s the matter?”  
Alice moved to throw her arm around Russell’s shoulders. Russell moved away and pulled his knees up to hide his face.   
“Do you want to get some fresh air?”  
Russell didn’t want to leave. He wanted her to leave him alone.  
You don’t deserve to think about what you want. Did you think about what they wanted? You only think about yourself.   
Russell dropped his legs and gave a small nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading. Hope you enjoyed! ( I hope someone got the reference I threw in there)
> 
> Also figured I share this stuff. These links are for an End Roll zine. All the profit will go to Prevent Child Abuse America. Pre-orders end April 9th. 
> 
> Zine: https://endcreditszine.bigcartel.com/  
> Tumblr: https://endcreditszine.tumblr.com/  
> Twitter: https://mobile.twitter.com/endcreditszine


	3. Familiar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russell gets a chance to see some familiar faces.

The air was clean and fresh. It didn’t reek of drugs or alcohol. Instead of silence there was the occasional chirp of a bird and passerbys' chatter. The facility seemed to be in the middle of a large town. There was a fence around the facility and a gate in front.  
Russell sat against the wall of the building. He pulled up his legs and tucked back into legs. Tears continued to fall as Russell sat there. Alice bent down and poked Russell’s shoulder. Russell picked up his head slightly and saw that Alice was offering him a tissue. Russell shook his head and went back to his previous position. Alice had kneeled down in front of him. She kept trying to get Russell to take a tissue. Eventually, Alice had stopped her pleas and got up and walked away. Russell had heard a door open, but didn’t want to lift up his head to see who opened the door. Tears soon began to come more quickly and uncontrollably. Sound was beginning to be drowned out by sobs and some whining. A hand gently touched Russell’s shoulder. The boy ignored the hand. The hand didn’t move and it was soon accompanied by a voice.  
“Russell.”  
The voice was calm and familiar. Russell picked up his head and looked towards the source of the voice. It was Yue. She was wearing a simple white dress with a concerned look.  
“What’s the matter, Russell?”  
Russell shook his head and wiped tears from his eyes. Yue gave Russell a small smile and removed her hand from his shoulder.  
“Russell, if you like, I can bring you see the others if you like. I’m sure they would be happy to see you.”  
In his view, Russell could see Alice nodding her head behind Yue. Russell looked at Yue and gave a small nod.  
“Good. You should probably clean up. The others would be worried if they saw you like this.”  
Alice walked up next to Yue and held out some tissues. Yue took them and said a small thank you. She kneeled down next to Russell and gently started to wipe Russell’s face. At first, Russell wanted to move away but decided against it. He didn’t want people to be nice to him.  
You don’t deserve kindness. You don’t deserve kindness. Worthless. Pathetic. Good-for-nothing.  
“There. All done. Now, let’s go.”  
Yue stood up and Russell followed suit. Russell followed next to Yue as Alice followed behind. There weren’t many offices and rooms Russell saw as they walked down the corridors. It got louder and louder as they neared what Russell assured was a caferiatria. Yue showed them into a large cafeteria. People were walking around and chatting.  
Russell felt uneasy. There were too many people. Too many noises. Yue gently took hold of Russell's hand and smiled.  
“Stay close.”  
Yue guided Russell through the crowded room as Alice followed behind and over to a table that had a familiar white haired woman sitting at it. The white haired lady looked up and immediately smiled and rushed over to the two.  
“Russell!”  
Fairia nearly knocked Russell down as she rushed over and hugged him. She held tight and close to the point where Russell was finding it hard to breath. His body tensed up and Fairia let go.  
“Oh Russell! Fairia is sorry! She didn’t mean to crush you.”  
“What is going on here?”  
The group looked over to the source of the voice. It was a blonde man in a white suit. It was Walter. Walter looked down at the second smallest figure and gave one of his smirky smiles.  
“Oh Russell. I’m surprised they let you go around the facility or did you sneak out?”  
Alice walked up toward the group more before speaking.  
“I figured it might be a good idea to have Russell get some fresh air since he had been in the room for so long. And so happens that Mrs. Yue went outside to get some fresh air too. She asked Russell if he wanted to see you guys and that's what brought us here. Right Russell?"  
Alice looked down at Russell and gave him a smile. Russell looked at her and then back at the group and nodded. Walter stepped closer to Russell and placed a hand on his shoulder.  
"And who might you be?"  
"Sorry. I'm Alice Mare. I'm Russell's adoption agent. I just came in to ask Russell a few questions."  
Alice seemed uncomfortable from Walter's stare. Russell looked around the room wondering where Raymond was. Yue noticed and walked Russell and patted his shoulder.  
"Raymond should be here soon. He just had to finish something up."  
Russell gave a small nod and Yue gestured for him to come sit with her and Fairia while Alice and Walter had their conversation. Russell sat in between the two ladies. Yue gave Russell some space while Fairia was uncomfortably close.  
“Do you want anything to drink or eat?”  
Russell shook his head. Yue looked upset but just gave a quiet ok. Russell folded his arms and laid his head in them. Fairia kept poking at him to make sure he was alright or ask if he wanted something. Russell wanted to be left alone.  
“Yue.”  
“Yes Russell.”  
“Do you know where the bathroom is?”  
“Yeah. When you leave, turn right and it is at the end of the hall.”  
Russell nodded and gave a thank you. He got out of his seat and started to make his way to the door.  
“Russell! Do you Fairia to show you the way? Fairia doesn’t mind.”  
Russell shook his head and walked away. He wanted to be left alone. Just for a little bit. It was too loud. Too crowded and too nice. Why were they so nice?  
Russell made his way to the door and turned right just in case Yue or Fairia were watching to make sure he was going the way Yue said. People were most likely going to be the bathroom. Hence the reason why Russell decided not to go into the bathroom. He walked through the halls until he couldn’t hear the noise from the cafeteria anymore. He sat against the wall and closed his eyes. It was quiet. Beautiful quiet. It was nice and peaceful. Russell started to feel a little drowsy and started to fall asleep. Which he ended up doing.  
When Russell woke up he found himself in a comfy chair and suit jacket draped over his shoulders. He was in what he assured was an office. No one was in the room other than himself. Russell got up from the chair holding the jacket and checked to see if the door was locked. It was. Russell started to become worried a little. Russell didn’t like being trapped. Being trapped was never a good thing. Russell turned toward the desk to see if there was a note. There was a post-it note on the side of the desk that Russell had previously been on. He removed it from the desk and read it.  
Hey Russ! I went to pick up some food for us. I didn’t wanna wake you up since I figured you were tired. I’ll be back as soon as I can. If you get bored, you can play games on the computer.  
The note wasn’t signed but Russell had a pretty good idea who it was. Raymond. Russell sat back on the chair with the jacket and moved the chair closer to the desk. As Russell was trying to get comfy, he heard a set of keys at the door. The jingle of the keys is quickly followed by the door opening. Raymond walked into the room holding two bags of fast food and a cup holder holding three drinks. When Raymond saw Russell, his face lit up.  
“Hey Russ! Hope I didn’t keep you waiting. I brought food!  
He held up the holder and bags with a smile. Raymond walked over to the desk and moved some of the papers and placed down everything he was holding.  
“I didn’t know what you wanted so I kinda just bought a bunch of stuff. Eat whatever you want.”  
Raymond unpack the bags laying out the stuff he had brought. There were hamburgers, french fries, nugget, chicken fingers along napkins and dipping sauces. It all smelled so good. Russell hesitated to grab something since he didn’t want this kindness.  
“Come on bud! Eat up! It is alot better than the food this place has.”  
Raymond leaned over the desk and ruffled Russell’s hair. He went to grab a chair from the other side of the room. Russell grabbed a container of fries and a burger. He knew he would only make Raymond worry if he didn’t eat. Russell took a bite out of the burger. It was really good or it tasted really good since he had not eaten anything except the food here for who knows how long. Russell started to eat as if he wouldn’t eat for months. Raymond just watched on and smiled. After the third hamburger, two large containers of fries, a 20 piece nuggets, and a large soda, Russell was full. He felt sick but he was full.  
“Damn bud. Didn’t think you would eat that much. I would probably eat that much if I was really hungry. I’m guessing it was good?”  
Russell nodded and grabbed a napkin to wipe his face.  
“Thank you….”  
“No problem, Russ. Anything for you!”  
Raymond gave Russell a smile and started to clean up the desk. Russell started to clean up his part of the mess.  
“I’ll clean up. You just sit and relax. Ok?”  
Russell looked up at the taller male and nodded. Russell watched as Raymond cleaned up the mess.  
“So Russ, can I ask you why you were sleeping in the hallway?”  
Russell looked up at Raymond as he was finishing cleaning the table.  
“Um…..I was with Yue, Fairia, Walter, and Alice in the cafeteria. It was loud so I asked where the bathroom was so…..”  
“Ah. The ol’ I have to go to the bathroom trick. So you with the others and Mrs. Mare.”  
“Russell looked at Raymond in confusion.  
“I know Mrs. Mare since she came and asked me a few questions and checked on a few things. Has she been nice to you?”  
Russell nodded and watched as Raymond came up next to him. Raymond leaned down and gave Russell a hug. It was a tight hug like Fairia did before but with a lot more emotion.  
“Don’t you worry, Russ. I’m gonna take care of you no matter what. Alright?”  
Russell replied by hugging Raymond back.  
“You're such a good kid.”  
The door opened and in came Walter in front with Alice right behind and Yue and Fairia in the back.  
“Russell! There you are. We were so worried!”  
Alice moved in front of Walter and to the front of the desk.  
“Come on Russell. We should probably be heading back to your room.”  
Raymond picked up Russell from the chair and faced Alice.  
“Come on bud. I’ll bring you back.”  
Russell nodded and wrapped his arms around Raymond’s neck. The group at the door moved out the doorway to let Raymond and Russell pass. The groups at the door waved as Russell waved back at them. Alice followed behind the duo and whispered.  
“He really does care.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading! Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Also don't know if anyone cares but I had disable anonymous comment enable on several of my writings and I didn't realize until now. I went back and fix all that. Sorry....


	4. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russell moves from a single room to a house.

It had been a few days after Russell had seen Raymond and the others. Once Russell got back to his cell that day, Alice had finished asking Russell questions. She said she would come back in a few days. Which to Russell’s surprise, Alice did. She was dressed in a blue suit and had her hair pined up in the back.   
“Hi Russell. Good to see you again. How have you been?”  
“Fine…..”  
It was a lie. He had been alone in his room with his thoughts. Self-destructive thoughts. The only time he got a chance was when someone brought him food. A simple plastic knife. A rough edge that didn’t make clean cuts. An edge that still brought blood. Beautiful blood. Blood that reminded him that he should be bleeding. Bleeding like they did. The workers never found out what he had been doing. They didn’t check the napkins to see that there were blood stains. They didn’t check the knife wrapped up to check for blood. They didn’t think that a plastic knife could be dangerous. Nor did they think a syringe could either.   
“That’s good. Well today, I’m going to be bringing you to a new place to stay. That sound good?  
Russell nodded and a smile appeared on Alice’s face. She gestured for Russell to follow her as she held the door open for him. Russell followed Alice as they walked through the hallways and to the entrance. She tried to start friendly chatter which stopped once Russell completely stopped giving any sort of response. Once outside, the two made their way over to a parking lot. Alice took out a set of keys and proceeded to hit a button. A loud beeping noise was made and Alice walked over to the general area of the sound. She walked over to the side of a car and opened the door.   
“Hop in.”  
Russell did and was greeted with a flowery scent. A nice relaxing scent. It was better than smells Russell was used to. Alice closed the door behind him and hopped into the seat next to him on the other side.   
“You can take a nap if you want. It would probably be good to rest up before you got there. Oh! And make sure you put on your seat belt please.”  
A nap sounded good, but knowing what was on around him sounded better. Russell was going to a new place. From what he could tell from looking around the general area, it wasn’t an area where people were selling drugs on the street, selling alcohol to kids, or asking people to do stuff like the stuff people did to his mom. He buckled in and watched out the side window. The engine started and the car started to move. It exited out the gates of the facility and onto the road. People walked down the sidewalk as others entered buildings. There were a few diners and restaurants that seemed to be full. Now thinking about, what day and time was it?  
“Mrs. Mare?”  
“Yes Russell?”  
“What day and time is it?”  
“Oh! It’s June 2nd and the time is around 5:00pm.”   
“Thank you….”  
“You’re welcome.”  
Russell continued to watch as the buildings slowly started to appear in fewer numbers and houses started to appear. The houses were like nothing Russell had seen before. They looked nothing like the houses that were around the apartment buildings that he and Chris lived in. Chris….. How was Chris? Was Chris worried about him? Did he miss him?Does Chris know what he did to the blessed angel? Does Chris hate him?  
Russell was snapped out of his thoughts when Alice gently touched his shoulder. He flinched and looked back at Alice.   
“Oh sorry Russell. Didn’t mean to scare you. We’re here.”  
Alice got out of the car as Russell looked out the window at the house. It was beige with gray roofing and a small porch. The outside wasn’t dirty and the grass looked like it was upkept. Alice opened Russell’s door and Russell unbuckled and hoped out. The two walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. The door opened and revealed a friendly face.   
“Hey Russ! I was worried you wouldn’t make it in time.”  
Russell stared up at Raymond in confusion.   
“Dinner!”  
Russell turned his attention to Alice who had tapped him on the shoulder.  
“You’ll be staying here for awhile and if everything goes well, this will be your permanent home. Ok?”   
The boy nodded.  
“Alright then. You two have a good night then.”  
Both replied with a you too and waved her off as she got into her and drove away. Raymond gestured for Russell to come into the house. Once inside, Russell gave a quick look over the room. There was a large tv on the wall with a long couch across the wall on the other side. A low table sat in front of the couch that had a bowl that was filled with chocolate squares. Also, a few game consoles sat under the tv on a wooden drawer. Raymond locked the door and ruffled Russell’s hair.  
“Come on bud! Let’s go get you food.”   
Russell followed close as Raymond brought him into the dining room.   
“Take a seat at the table and I’ll bring the food over.”  
Russell did what he was asked and watched as Raymond brought over two dishes. He placed one in front of Russell and one at the seat next to him. On the plate sat a steak and some mashed potatoes. Raymond walked back over from the kitchen and handed Russell a set of utensils.   
“I didn’t know you might have liked it so I took a guess. It’s also one of the few things I don’t think I can mess up cooking.”  
The man took a seat next to Russell and started to eat and Russell followed suit. The two didn’t talk. Once both were finished, Raymond took their plates and put them in the sink.   
“Alright bud. Time to show you around the house.”  
Raymond took Russell around the house starting with the first floor. It didn’t take them to get through the first floor and onto the second floor. On the second floor, there were two bedrooms, an office, and 2 bathrooms.   
“And this will be your room! Just let me know what you want for it and I'll buy it for ya, bud.”  
Russell’s room was a medium size room that consisted of a single bed, a bookshelf with a few books, a closet and a drawer. Russell was fine just the way it was. He didn’t deserve anymore. He didn’t even deserve his own room.   
“Now that you have seen everything, why not wash yourself up? They probably didn’t give you much time to do that, right?”  
Russell nodded.   
“Ok then. I left you some towels and a washcloth in the first bathroom and showed ya. Take as long as you need. I’ll be waiting downstairs. Make a loud noise if you need me since I know you don’t like raising your voice or a least I never heard you do so.”   
Raymond went downstairs and Russell went to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and started to undress. He looked down at himself. Bruises. Black and blues painted his skin. Even though it had been a while since he had been hit, they were still there. Not a prominent as when he first got them. Reminders of what his dad did to him. Sometimes when Russell didn’t do what was asked of him fast enough. Sometimes when he got in the way. And sometimes when he just felt like it.   
Russell turned on the shower and waited for the water to heat up to a relaxing temperature. Once it did, he got into the shower. It was relaxing. Calm and peaceful. It was nice to be able to take a warm shower. He stood there letting the water hit his body. After a bit he started to wash, which took the least amount of time. He got out and wrapped the towel around himself. Russell walked in front of the mirror and stared at himself.   
You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to be peaceful. You took their peacefulness away. You took their lives away. You destroyed their loved ones. You didn’t realize what you had to their family that cared about them. Because you never had one.  
Russell wanted to throw up. He wanted to cut himself. He wanted to die. Russell rummaged through some of the drawers hoping to find something sharp. In the back of one of the bottom drawers was a small container of razor blades. He opened the container and pulled out a razor and started. Small blood drops dripped into the sink. Tears rolled down his face. As he continued, the cuts got deeper. More blood poured into the sink.   
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”   
“Hey Russ!”  
Russell quickly turned his head toward the door. It wasn’t open.  
“Don’t mean to bother you, but I forgot to give you a new set of clothes. It's just some old clothes of mine. I’ll leave them outside the door.”  
Russell listened closely to make sure Raymond was away from the door before opening it. He quickly grabbed the clothes with his arm that wasn’t bleeding and closed the door. It put them on the counter before he started to rinse his wrist. It hurt. The blood kept coming. Russell was scared. No one needed to know what he was doing to himself. He deserved it. Every bit of blood loss and pain. The blood eventually stopped and he gently dried off his arm and then the rest of his body. He threw on the clothes Raymond had given him. There was a laundry basket out in the hall which Russell threw his clothes into. He walked into his room and wrapped himself up in the blanket on the bed. He wanted to be alone. He deserved to be alone. Russell ended up falling asleep.   
He was awakened when he felt one of his arms being lifted up and had something placed in its spot. It was a plush rabbit. A hand gently ruffled his hair. A very quiet voice has heard.  
"Good night Russell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading. Hope you enjoyed!


	5. Dreams

It was hard to breathe. Chest hurt. Vision blurry. The feeling of having to vomit. The small boy gazed up. Another kick to the chest. The boy was hunched over coughing. Blood. Internal bleeding? Maybe. So what if it was? The pain would be gone. Wouldn’t that be nice? His chest hurt more. With every cough, it became harder and harder to breathe. Deflated lung? No likely. Broken ribs? Would he stop then? He doesn’t want to get in trouble. But would he even realize what he had done? Not likely. A hand grabbed the back of the boy’s head. 

_ You worthless piece of shit! You ruined my life! _

_ Smack! _

__ Black. Pure black. The boy couldn’t hear nor feel. Was this death? Maybe. Some people mentioned places; Heaven and Hell. Heaven is where good people go while Hell is where bad people go. Was the boy good or bad? The boy believed he was bad. Why else would his dad beat him? Why else would his mother ignore him? Why God turned a blind eye on him? 

The black slowly turned into a room that was cluttered with animal supplies. In front of the boy laid a body. Blood pouring from the body’s head. Blood pooled around the body. White fragments could be seen in the blood. The boy carefully approached the body. Loud screeching suddenly came from the cages that the body laid in front of. The boy flinched and covered his ears. The screeching only got louder and louder. The boy backed away only to bump into something. The boy looked up to only be greeted to have blood coughed on his face. He spun around and fell and quickly started to back away. The figure lifted up an iron pipe and brought it down upon the boy.

**_What’d I do to you?_ **

A sharp pain rang through the boy’s head as he found himself on a stair landing. There was the sound of a commotion coming from downstairs. He looked down the stairs to see a body laying at the bottom. The body’s limbs were twisted in ways that shouldn’t be possible without broken bones. The neck of the body had broken. A man rushed over to the body and kneeled down. He was crying. A cold chill ran through the boy’s back. He turned around to see a figure similar in size to him. Before he got a chance to say anything, the figure pushed the boy’s chest.

**_Can this blessed angel fly?_ **

Not only did the boy’s head hurt, his arms and legs did. There was also a sharp pain in his neck. The area now surrounding the boy was bright and clean. There were pews facing towards the altar and a statue of a lady. The boy stood up from the pew and walked up to the altar. He looked behind and saw a body laying on the ground. There were burn marks and blood. Most of the body was burnt, especially its head. There was not a single feature the boy could pick out. The boy thought he should leave and pretend he never saw this. He made his way to the entrance of what he thought was a church. Lying near the entrance was another body. It had the same injuries as the other body. The boy ignored and continued on his way. When the boy touched the handle of the door, he felt like his hand was burning. The room started to get hotter and hotter. A pair of hands gently rested on each of his shoulders. The hands’ grip on the boy’s shoulders tightened when he tried to turn around. Whoever had grabbed him started to drag him back towards the altar. The boy tried his hardest to ground his feet but to no avail. Everytime he tried, pain would shurge through his legs. The heat in the room became scorching. The boy became sweaty and tired. The front entrance burst into flames and the boy watched in horror as the fire quickly began to spread. Once he was at the altar, he was turned around to face the person who had grabbed him. Instead of one, like the boy thought, it was two. They pulled him to the ground with them and started to cry. Both figures had let go the boy’s shoulders. The flames had swiftly surrounded the three. The fire stopped getting close to the two figures. Flames grasped onto the boy’s clothes. 

**_Children burn as easily as flower petals._ **

His whole body burned, inside and out. His skin felt as though it could fall at any given time. None of his previous pain disappeared either. The boy stood in front of a body. Blood pooled around the body and the boy’s feet. The boy wanted to leave. He wanted it to stop. He didn’t want to see it anymore. He  _ shouldn’t _ have to see it. The boy saw a doorway and made this way through it. As he entered the room, he saw a figure standing in front of another doorway. The boy walked from behind the counter he found himself behind to in front of the figure. The boy stared at the figure hoping it would understand that he wanted to pass. The figure continued to stand there as if the boy wasn’t there. The boy dropped to his knees. It was hopeless. This action seemed to have been noticed by the figure since it had followed suit. The boy didn’t realize the figure had a knife till it was pressed against his throat. 

**_I want you to kill me._ **

His neck hurt more than it did before. All his pain was still there but the burning feeling was less because of the wind that the boy had found himself in. There was a bright blue sky and a peaceful wind. Was there a body? A figure? The boy didn’t notice one but he did notice that there was one part of the roof, he assumed it was at least, that didn’t have fencing. Was there a body down there? The boy didn’t care to find out until he saw a figure run up to the edge. It looked as though it was going to jump. The boy was unsure that he should get close to it. Was it going to hurt him? The figure kept swinging their foot off the ledge as if trying to decide if they were going to jump. The boy had to stop them. He rushed over to the figure. The figure stopped what they were doing and looked at the boy. It gently grabbed the boy’s hand and peered over the edge. The boy did the same and saw a body. Still holding his hand, the figure had shifted to behind the boy. It planted its other hand on the boy’s shoulder. The boy felt safe. The figure had let go of the boy’s hand. The boy had been shoved in the back. 

**_People who look they’re kind are just good at hiding their dirty hearts._ **

The pain was worse. It wasn’t going away. Why? Why did the boy suffer? The boy was atop of a body. There was a clear mark around their neck. Before the boy got a chance to do anything, hands wrapped tightly around his neck. He was pressed against the back of the couch as the figure’s hands wrapped tighter and tighter. 

**_You filthy monster!! Die!!_ ** ****

The boy was back in the room of black. The pain didn’t cease. It was worse. Worse than it ever was. The boy stood there in pain as voices slowly crept into his head.

_ You wanted to separate yourself from their deaths. You wanted to separate the real ones from the fakes. For what? Your own self pity? Grow up! Stop acting like a child and accept it! You should already be grown up. You handled the abuse and neglect fine. At least you tell yourself that, which let’s be honest, destroyed you. You killed Tabasa because of the monkeys’ screaming. You killed Gardenia because no one remembered your birthday. You killed Dogma and Cody because they had a better mother than you. You killed Kantera and Mireille because you owed them. You killed Yumi because you didn’t want to go home. Now, Russell, punish yourself the way they wanted to punish you. _

A table appeared with a syringe on top. Russell took the syringe and jammed it into his neck. Over and over again. More and more blood came pouring out. He deserved it. Every bit of pain and suffering.

___________________________________________________________________________

  
  


Russell was breathing heavily and sweating. He tightly clutched the stuff rabbit close to him. Russell quietly tried to calm himself. He needed water. 

_ What if Raymond is awake? He would question why you didn’t come back downstairs? _ _ Raymond would yell and get mad. He would hit me, right? That’s the punishment I deserve. _

__ After thinking about it, Russell decided he would take the chance and go get water. He rolled over and sat up still holding the plush. He swung his legs over the side of bed. 

“Hey kid. How was your sleep?”

Russell flinched at the sudden voice. 

“Sorry, Russ. Didn’t mean to scare you. I shoulda figured you might be jumpy.”

Russell peered over in the direction of the voice. Raymond was laying against the nightstand. Was he awake the whole time? He had a concerned look on his face.

“You alright bud? You’re sweating.” 

Raymond got up from off the floor and took a seat next to Russell. As Raymond went to check his forehead, Russell shifted away. He held the plush tightly and stared down at it. Raymond let out a sigh. 

“Russell, if something is bothering you, please tell me. I don’t want you taking it on alone.”

_ Stop it. Please. Stop caring about me. _

__ Russell ignored what Raymond. He let out another sigh. Raymond got up from the bed and walked towards the door. 

“I’ll be right back bud.”

Russell sat there and watched Raymond leave. The room was quiet. The only time it was quiet in his old “home” was when his parents weren’t home. During those times, he either played videogames, went to see Chris, or sat and thought. He laid back down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He thought back to the dream. Specifically , the words at the end. Was he really trying to separate the reals and the fakes? Was he trying to separate himself from their deaths? No. He knew he couldn’t. He accepted that fact. But was there still a part of him that didn’t? Russell became a little calmer than he was before. That quickly changed when a single question crossed his mind. 

_ Where did I leave the razor blade? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this was update so late. I was having a hard time focusing (which may show in quality, sorry) and then my friend was busy so she couldn't proof read it sooner (I have no confidence to post something I wrote if someone doesn't proof read it) Hope you enjoyed! Thanks again to my friend for proof reading.


	6. Trust

_Hecan’tfindithecan’tfindithecan’tfindit_

Russell began to tremble and sweat. His chest ached and felt as though he was going to throw up. Russell hopped off the bed and rushed into the bathroom. He flicked on the light switch and that there were some small spots of blood around the sink and on the floor. It became harder and harder to breathe. Russell grabbed a hand towel that was laying on the far side of the counter. He rinsed the dark navy blue towel in the sink and started to scrub the blood spots. Once the blood came off, Russell tossed the towel back onto the counter and started searching for the razor blade.

_Whereisitwhereisitwhereisit?_

The razor blade was nowhere to be found. Russell leaned against the wall and wrapped his arms around himself. The shaking got worse along with the nausea. His breathing was rapid and he was sweating more. 

“Hey Russ! I'll be there in a second!” 

Russell listened carefully. The sound of footsteps slowly got louder and louder. He slid down the wall and curled himself into a ball. His whole body was hot and he started to become dizzy. 

_I didn’t take it with me, right? Raymond didn’t find it, right? Raymond didn’t find it. Raymondidn’tfinditRaymondidn’tfindit._

“Russell, you ok bud?”

Russell flinched at the voice and glanced over in the voice's direction. Raymond looked concerned and distressed. Russell ignored the question and just stared down at lap. Russell wasn’t going to say he was fine when clearly wasn’t. He didn’t want to get trouble for lying, though, didn’t lying and ignoring end with the same consequence? Raymond had kneeled down beside Russell and gently went to place his hand on Russell's shoulders. Russell winced which led to Raymond to recoiling his hand. 

“Russ, please tell me what's wrong.”

“I’m fine.”

“Russell….”

Raymond sighed, got up and left. Russell was tempted to try and find the razor blade again but he didn’t know if Raymond was coming back. But he needed to find it. No one but him needed to see it. Raymond did end up coming back but this time with two bowls. He leaned against the wall and slid down next to Russell. The bowls were filled with ice cream and whipped cream with a spoon sitting in each. Raymond smiled and handed Russell a bowl. Russell reclutlitly accepted and placed it in his lap. The bowl was cold against his hands. He found it refreshing as most of his body still felt hot. 

“If you don’t wanna eat it, it’s fine. I figured something nice and cold might be good for you.” 

Russell stared down at the bowl in his lap. He brought one of his hands to his face and slowly started to rub it against his cheek. The coldness brought forth a refreshing feeling. It was quick over and replaced with the same hot feeling as before. Remove his hand and did the same thing with his other hand. He tried to calm his breath and heart rate. Slow, quiet breaths that helped him calm his heart. Russell was glad he was calming down. If he calmed himself down, maybe Raymond would believe him if he just said it was a nightmare. After repeating the process a few times, Russell’s breathing had returned to mostly normal. The whipped cream and ice cream had melted a bit but still mostly frozen. Russell took the spoon and scooped up a spoonful of the ice cream and ate it. It tasted like vanilla and chocolate but there was another flavor he couldn’t put his finger on. 

“Hey Raymond.”

“Yeah bud?”

Raymond’s voice seemed peppier than before. It confused Russell. Why did his demeanor change so quickly? Was it because he was the one to actually start a conversation? Or was it because of the ice cream? Either way, Russell didn’t want to dwell on it. 

“What flavor is the ice cream?”

“It’s cookie dough. It’s the only flavor I had in the freezer. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it. I can always go to the store to get whatever flavor you want.” 

“Is it raw?”

“Well, yeah. But it’s safe to eat if that’s what you’re concerned about. They couldn’t sell it without a warning.”

Russell nodded in understanding and looked back down at the bowl. Did alcohol have a warning label on it? Russell never saw one on the cases of beer he brought. But yet again, people weren’t supposed to sell alcohol to kids either. 

_You worthless piece of shit! You ruined my life!_

Russell’s eyes shot open and he began frantically looking around the room. Raymond immediately took notice. 

“Bud, what’s the matter? Hey Russ, look at me. Hey. Hey.”

Raymond had put his bowl down and placed his hands on Russell’s shoulders. Russell refused to look up at him. His breathing was heavy and he couldn’t focus. Russell tightly wrapped his arms around himself. A hand gently touched Russell’s cheek. Russell’s head shot up and stared at Raymond now in front of him. 

“Hey, bud. It’s ok. It’s ok. Just relax.” 

There was something soothing about Raymond’s voice. There was something about it that Russell found relaxing. His breathing slowly returned to normal and he was able to focus. Raymond moved his hand from Russell’s cheek and ruffled his hair. 

“Raymond…...Dad isn’t here, right?”

Raymond seemed taken aback by what Russell had asked but quickly answered.

“No and if he was, I’d kick his ass.”

He gave a cheesy smile and ruffled Russell’s hair again. His words gave Russell a feeling of warmth. Raymond sat back next to him and picked up his bowl he put down before. Russell picked up his spoon and continued to eat. As he ate, Russell had a feeling that seemed to be pulling at him. Did he forget something? Then he remembered the razor blade. Though, the panic he had before when he thought about it before wasn’t as bad. _Why?_ As Russell ate, he pondered on the question. Was the panic and anxiety before making him not still thinking straight? No. Russell didn’t think that would have that long of an effect. Was it because panicking now would make things worse? No, because he had just panicked a moment ago. Then what was it?

“Seems like you’re enjoying the ice cream. Want me to go grab some napkins?”

Russell peered down at himself and saw that he had gotten some on himself. He gave a nod. 

“Alright bud. I'll be back in a minute. If you’re done, I’ll take your bowl.”

Russell handed his bowl to Raymond and then Raymond left leaving Russell alone. He took the few minutes he had to continue looking for the razor blade. Russell didn’t have the feeling of panic as he did before. This allowed him to think more clearly. Instead of throwing open drawers and checking the ground to see if he dropped it, Russell checked the one place he might have put it. The trash can. Russell was washed over with relief when he saw the razor blade was sitting on top of the other garbage. He grabbed some toilet paper and placed it on top of the razor blade. It was just in case on the off chance Raymond looked into the garbage which probably wasn’t likely. Instead of sitting back on the floor, Russell closed the lid on the toilet and sat on it. 

“Hey Russ! I’m back!”

Raymond came back carrying napkins and a water bottle. He walked over and placed the water bottle on the back of the toilet and handed Russell some napkins. Russell accepted them and started wiping his shirt. Raymond took the napkins he kept and started to gently wipe Russell’s face. This immediately caused Russell to flinch and stop what he was doing. Raymond removed his hand.

“Sorry bud. I just figured it….um,..well nice. I get it. You’re fourt----”

“It’s fine. You can continue if you want.” 

Raymond looked surprised by what Russell had said. It seemed like he wanted to insist that he didn’t have too but just decided to continue what he was doing. Russell felt that feeling of warmth again. What was it? He knew Raymond was being kind and he didn’t deserve it but he didn’t want the kindness to stop. It felt nice. But he didn’t deserve to feel nice. Only suffering. Only once Raymond stopped did Russell continue to clean his shirt. Raymond tossed out the napkins and waited for Russell to finish. 

“I had a nightmare………..”

“Do you wanna tell me what it was about?

Raymond knelt down next to Russell and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“They were dead. All dead! But they killed me. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt! And then I stopped it. The pain. The suffering. I had control. I finally had control! It was finally….in…...control…….”

Russell's voice was shaking and tears were slowly trickling down his face. As the words poured out, his thoughts were run rampant. 

_You’re pathetic. Weak. The scum of the Earth. Weakling. Weak minded. Why didn’t you kill yourself, yet? You deserve it. Or is death too good for you? That’s it. Why did you think that put you in that room? Why did you think they gave you fake knives?_

**_Why did you think Raymond stopped you from killing yourself?_ **

“Raymond, why didn’t you let me kill myself?”

Raymond looked pissed by the question. It made Russell scared. Was Raymond going to hit him? Was it going to hurt as much as when dad did it? Raymond stood up and towered over Russell. Raymond bent down and lifted Russell up into his arms. He held Russell close which threw Russell off a bit. He was mad. Wasn’t he? While his one arm supported Russell, the other wrapped around Russell tightly. 

“I couldn’t watch you kill yourself. I couldn’t let you kill yourself. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve to die. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. That I stopped you because I couldn’t live with myself with your blood on my hands. I wonder if letting you kill yourself was the better choice. You would have to live with the guilt everyday. You would have to feel like human garbage everyday. But you’re only a kid. You were made. Not born. I can’t imagine how fucked up your life was before the experiment. I never had to live that way. All I ever worried about was getting laid, drinking, smoking, and on the rare occasion, my friends. I knew they could handle themselves. They had their lives together while I had no idea where my life was going. You were a kick in the face from reality. Life isn’t always great for everyone. Life is fucked up. I just want to see you happy. I want you to see that life can be good. I want you to know what love is and accept it. That’s all I want for you. Alright?”

Russell gave a nod. At this point, Russell was breaking down crying uncontrollably. He gripped tightly onto Raymond. Raymond gently stroked Russell back as he walked Russell to his room. Raymond sat on Russell’s bed as the boy continued to cry. Raymond covered himself and Russell with the blankets and leaned against the headboard.

“Please don’t leave.”

“I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading! Hope you enjoyed!


	7. Chapter 7

Russell woke up to the blaring sound of ringing. He rubbed his eyes while Raymond groaned and took out his cell. Russell shifted off of Raymond as he watched him answer his cell phone. 

“Heyyy Walter. What’s up?”

“I’ve been trying to get in contact with you all night! Why haven’t you been answering?”

Walter’s voice was loud enough for Russell to hear him. 

“Oh Walter, why were you calling me all night?~ I have Russell to take care of. I can’t go running out into the night.”

“Why are you like this?”

Raymond started laughing and quickly tried to calm himself down. It was vain as he continued to snicker as he attempted to reply.

“Sorry, ha, couldn’t help myself.”

Walter sighed. 

“How was…….”

Walter’s voice became low enough that Russell couldn’t hear the rest of what Walter had said.

“Um, well….Can we talk later? I have to go make Russell breakfast. I’ll call you later. Bye.” 

Raymond hung up the phone and turned and ruffled Russell’s hair. 

“Let’s go make breakfast, Russ.”

Russell nodded as the two began to make their way downstairs. Russell wondered what time it was. Didn’t Raymond have to go to work? Didn’t Russell have to start going back to school?

“Raymond, don’t you have to go to work?”

“Nope! Not for a few days at least. I took some days off so I could spend time with you and help you adjust.” 

Russell nodded. The two walked into the dining room and Raymond gestured for Russell to sit at the table in the dining room.

“Now, what do you want to eat? We got cereal, eggs, bread ....”

Russell didn’t know. He was used to eating stale bread and on rare occasions, something made by Chris’s mom or Kan…….

_ No, not now. Don’t think about him now. Don’t think about any of them now.  _

_ Later, when you’re alone, only then can you think about them. Cause, you deserve to suffer alone. _

Russell tried his best to shake off his thoughts. Raymond wants him to be happy so he’ll think about it later so he can be happy now. Russell looked up from his lap he had been staring at and saw Raymond staring at him. 

“You alright bud?”

“Yeah….Um can you decide on something?” 

“Of course bud! Raymond will whip you up something good!”

Raymond took out eggs, milk, a bag of shredded cheese, and a loaf of bread out of the fridge and then went into the freezer and pulled out a package of bacon. He placed the stuff on the counter and grabbed a container out of the cabinet and filled it with hot water and placed the bacon into it. Russell followed Raymond’s movements and watched him grab pans, turned on the stove and other various things. Russell still hadn’t asked his other question from before. 

“Won’t I have to go back to school?”

Raymond didn’t seem to hear him which didn’t surprise Russell since his voice was pretty quiet. Russell didn’t want to get in Raymond’s way so he tried to think of another way. His thought was soon interrupted by the sound of ringing. This time it wasn’t coming from Raymond’s phone. 

“Hey Russ, can you get that for me? It’s on the shelf in the living room.Thanks bud!”

Russell hopped off the chair and walked into the living room. He grabbed the phone and read the name off the screen. It was Yue. From the kitchen, Raymond called.

“If it’s Yue or Fairia, just answer it!”

Russell answered the phone.

“Hi….”

“Oh, hi Russell. How are you? How was everything last night? Raymond didn’t bother you too much, right?”

Russell was a little nervous being asked so many things at once but he was glad it was Yue talking instead of Fairia. She had too much energy and he wasn’t ready to have a conversation with her this early in the morning. 

“I’m fine. Everything is fine. Raymond is fine.”

“That’s good. I’m surprised Raymond wasn’t attached to your hip. He was really excited to have you live with him. As soon as he heard you were coming to live with him, he rushed to buy a bunch of stuff for your room and you. I talked him out of buying a lot of the things because I figured it would be too much for you to handle at once.”

What Yue had said made Russell feel nice. He didn’t know why. Was it because Raymond was excited to have him live with him or the fact that Yue talked Raymond out of buying too much and bombarding Russell with things. Either way, it just made Russell feel nice.

“Hey...um...Russell, what kind of cookies do you like?”

The question kinda threw Russell off. Why was she asking? Russell was hoping she didn’t plan on making him any. He already felt like he had gotten so much and didn’t want the people to feel like they had to do something for him. But what Yue just liked making cookies and just wanted Russell’s input on a kind of cookies she could make. Maybe making cookies made Yue happy. 

“Chocolate chip.”

“Oh ok. Is there any other type or flavor of anything you like?”

“Strawberry flavor.”

“Ok. Thank you Russell. Oh, is Raymond busy? I just need to talk to him if he isn’t busy.” 

Russell became concerned. Yue’s voice seemed kinda worried and nervous. Did something happen before Russell came? Was Russell causing a problem being there and Raymond was getting trouble because Russell lived there? Russell felt a little dizzy.

“Russell, are you alright?”

“Yeah...um...sorry. Raymond’s making breakfast.”

“Alright. Tell him I’ll call them later. Bye Russell.”

“Bye.”

Russell hung up the phone and placed it back on the shelf in the charger. He made his way back into the dining room and saw Raymond sitting at the table. 

“Who was it, Russ?”

“It was Yue. She said she’ll call you later.” 

“Alright. Thanks bud.”

Russell nodded in acknowledgement and sat back down. Since Raymond was close by, he figured he ask his question.

“Won’t I have to go back to school?”

“Yeah, well technically not. I can always have you homeschooled if you want.”

Russell gave Raymond a confused look.

“I’ll explain it in a minute, let me just go check the bacon.”

As soon as Raymond got up, the phone rang again. Raymond didn’t need to tell Russell to get it, since Russell was well on his way to get it. He picked the phone up and checked the name. He sighed and answered it.

“Hi! Which one of the adorable boys answered the phone for Fairia?”

“Russell……”

“Oh Russell! How are you? Is everything good? Is Raymond spoiling you? Come on Russell! Fairia wants to know!”

Russell was really tempted to hang up the phone. Fairia was so loud and energetic. She had way too much energy for Russell. Especially this early in the morning. 

“I’m fine. Ever-”

“Only fine? That doesn’t make Fairia happy to hear. Well, Fairia will just have to make you better than fine with a great big hug. Fairia will be over. See you soon!”

“Wait!”

Russell’s voice was not that much louder than it usually was, but he didn’t know if Fairia heard him.

“What’s the matter Russell?”

“You don’t need to come over. I’m fine. I’m just….um...hungry.”

“Oh ok! Fairia understands. Raymond’s making you something, right.”

“Yeah.”

“Good! Cause we both know what would happen to him if he wasn’t, right Russell?”

Her voice went from happy and cheery to sadistic very quickly. It made Russell slightly uncomfortable.

“Yeah……”

“Good then! Well, Fairia’s gonna leave you two boys alone and tell Raymond to call Fairia when he gets a chance. Bye bye!”

She hung up the phone before Russell got a chance to say anything. He was just glad he wasn’t talking to her anymore. And the last thing he needed was her coming over. But she made Russell a little bit more dizzy. She wanted to talk to Raymond too. He knew Raymond had a habit of getting on everyone’s nerves but it still didn’t answer why everyone wanted to talk to him. He thought about it as Russell walked back into the dining room again and sat back down. Raymond noticed Russell come back in and walked over to the table.

“It was Fairia. She said she will call you later.”

“Ok bud. Now since it will take a few minutes for toast to finish up, I’ll explain about homeschooling.”

Raymond pulled a chair closer to Russell and sat down.

“Homeschooling is basically school from home. The requirements to be homeschoolled vary by place but I am pretty sure here as long as the person teaching has a GED and the child learns everything taught in school normally, the child is allowed to be homeschooled.” 

That sounded nice to Russell. He was never good with social interactions because of his usual quiet nature. But if he did go to school, wouldn’t people know about him? What he had done? Russell didn’t know much about the news and sorts but he was pretty sure the police released the names of people who committed crimes. Especially crimes involving murder. Even if they didn’t release his name, it would slip out one way or another. This terrified Russell. How would people treat him? He would look like a cold-blooded killer to the public. Throughout most of his life, being treated like garbage was normal to Russell. Would it be like that? Harassment and abuse. Not only to him. What would people think of Raymond? A man taking in a murder and treating them with kindness. He would look just as psychotic. A psychopath looking out for another psychopath. Russell must have looked visibly disturbed because he felt Raymond gently touch his shoulder. 

“Russell, what’s the matter?”

“I am fine.” 

Raymond didn’t seem to believe him but he didn’t pressure him for the truth.

“I will be right back. I’m gonna bring over the food and stuff. Hope you’re hungry.” 

Russell watched as Raymond put together the plates and brought the plates and utensils. The plate was full of scrambled eggs full of ham and cheese. There were strips of bacon along with a slice of buttered toast. It looked and smelled delicious. 

“What would you like to drink? I got water, milk, and orange juice.”

“Orange juice.”

“Alright. Give me a second. You can start eating if you want.”

Russell nodded and tried some of the eggs. It was good. Russell continued to eat.

“Woah bud! Didn’t know you were that hungry.”

Russell didn’t notice he had finished about more than half the eggs. 

“It’s good.”

“Really? I’m glad. I definitely didn’t practice making this for Yue, Fairia, or Walter…….heh.”

Raymond placed a glass of orange juice next to Russell’s plate and ruffled his hair. Raymond sat down and started to eat too. Russell had finished his food first. He was stuffed to the point where he felt a little nauseous. He rested his head against Raymond’s arm so his head would stop rocking. 

“Was breakfast good?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

There was a moment of silence between the two.

“Russell, whatever you’re stressing about, it will get better. I will help you no matter what. So will Yue, Fairia, and Walter. But we can only truly help you if we know what the problem is, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to tell one of us. I know you have your problems you keep to yourself, whatever the reason may be. Just know, we all here for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading! Sorry this came out late. Hope you enjoyed!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took forever to update. I've been having a hard time with some issues which drained my motivation. But, my motivation is back so everything should be good with being able to update every week (or every week and a half). Hope you enjoy!

Russell was sitting on the couch alone staring at the tv. The sound of running and Raymond’s occasional whistling came from the kitchen. A remote laid on the table in front of him. Raymond had told him to find something on tv to watch. Russell had worked a remote before, but it looked completely different from the one’s he used before. The remote itself was larger and had alot more buttons. Tvs are all the same. You press a button and it turns on. Press it again and it turns off. You press the longer rectangle buttons on the side to change the channel. Yeah, it was probably all the same. Russell grabbed the remote and stared at it. The turn on button was usually at the top. At the top on the remote were two small buttons. Russell figured one of them probably the button. After he tried both buttons, the tv still didn’t turn on. Russell tried the buttons a few more times, which led to nothing. 

_Ok. Relax. It probably just has the power button in a different place. Or maybe the buttons are just stuck. The old remote did that.Oh….yeah. I should just try the other buttons. But first, I’ll just try the top buttons again……_

After one final push on each button, the tv screen flashed for a moment. The screen filled with static as a static noise paired with it. The noise was loud as it rang through Russell’s ears. He covered one ear with his hand as the other quickly tried to lower the volume. The static sound only got louder even though Russell was for sure lowering it. The sound drowned out all other sounds. Russell dropped the remote to cover his ear as an attempt to muffle the blaring sound. He brought his head to his chest and closed his eyes. Why wasn’t it stopping? Why was it only getting louder and louder? 

_Please stop. Please stop. Please stop._

The static noise suddenly started to get quieter and then completely stopped . Russell uncovered his ears and rested his hands on his lap. A small wave of relief washed over him. Though the sound was gone, it had left Russell with a pounding headache. He felt the couch shift and glanced over at the seat next to him. 

“You alright?”

Raymond’s voice was more quiet then it usually was. Russell appreciated the attempt in not trying to worsen his headache. But even with the quiet voice, it still only added to the pain. Russell gave a thumbs up as to not have to move his head or talk. Raymond didn’t respond which Russell made Russell somewhat happy. After a minute of silence, Raymond held his phone out in front of Russell’s face which still had not moved from its previous position. The screen was dim but Russell could still make out the words on it. 

You got a headache, bud? I have aspirins in the cabinet if you want them. 

Yes No Yes No 

Russell pointed to both yeses under each of its questions. Raymond pulled his phone back and got up and walked into the other room. He quickly returned holding a bottle of water and a small container. Raymond handed Russell the container and opened the bottle. Russell examined the container reading the print. The back was filled with instructions, a long allergy warnings list, and uses. One of the uses being for headache relief. Russell had never taken a medicine like this before. He wished he had it before. Before living here, before the experiment, before everything went downhill. Raymond gave Russell the open bottle of water and Russell handed him back the container to take the lid off. He quickly did and dumped out two small musty, pale, pink pills. He placed them into Russell’s open hand. Putting two and two together, Russell tossed the tablets into his mouth and took a sip from the bottle. The water and pills flowed down his throat. The pills gently brushed against his throat causing him to cough a bit. 

“Hey Russ, it’s ok. Relax.”

Raymond kneeled down and soothingly caressed Russell’s hand. His voice managed to be quieter than it was before. The man looked scared. Why was he so concerned? Russell was just coughing. Coughing wasn’t that bad. Russell’s been through worse. 

“I’m ok.”

Raymond’s face of fear quickly faded and was replaced with a smile. 

“Good. I’ll go get you another shirt to throw on since you got some water on ya.”

Russell now noticed the cool, wet feeling of the water that seeped through the shirt. Sure it was cold, but Russell saw no need for Raymond to get him another shirt. In fact, how many old shirts did Raymond have? Sure, he could just wash the shirts over and over, but they won’t last forever. Russell would eventually have to end up buying his own clothes. At least then, he could make sure he owned a bunch of long sleeved shirts. Russell would probably have to pick up a few odd jobs to pay for it but he was used to doing that. He had to pay for dad’s beer somehow. As Raymond went to leave, Russell grabbed his hand. He glances at Russell. 

“This shirt is fine. The water doesn’t bother me. Besides, you shouldn’t need to keep giving me your stuff. It’s yours….”

Raymond sighs and gives a weak smile. 

“Russ, I don’t mind giving you some of my old stuff. I don’t wear it anymore. So instead of sitting in a drawer, I figured you can at least wear them for a bit till we go out and get you some new ones. Alright, bud?”

“I appreciate it, but it’s still your stuff and I don’t deserve…….”

Russell’s headache that was slowly calming quickly started to worsen. Was it the stress? Was the anxiety that was forming? 

“Russell…..How about this. If you want, today, we can go get you some new clothes. In exchange, you can help me with stuff around the house if I need help. Does that sound good?”

“Yeah….I wouldn’t mind going today as long as you don’t mind.”

“Nope. I don’t mind at all. But, you're not going out in a wet shirt. Let’s go upstairs to grab you a new shirt.” 

Russell nodded and followed behind Raymond as they made their way upstairs. The two made their way into Raymond’s room. Raymond came to a dresser and kneeled down to open the bottom drawer. It was surprisingly organized as the shirts were folded neatly and placed with care into rows and columns. 

“This column here has all my old clothes. Take whichever one you want and go get changed in your room. Take your time, I just be getting ready in the bathroom.”

Russell nodded again and Raymond stood up and started going through the top drawer grabbing what Russell assumed was clothes. Russell gently pulled out a shirt and unfolded it. It was short sleeved. He tried his best to fold it back the way it originally was.

“Don’t worry about folding them again. Just toss them back in the drawer.”

“Ok.”

Raymond closed the top drawer and gently patted Russell’s head. Russell watched Raymond walk away and then continued with what he was doing. After about five shirts, Russell found a long sleeved sweater. Russell tossed the clothes back into the drawer and closed it. He made his way to his room and closed the door behind him. He placed the sweater onto the bed and removed the wet shirt. Russell stared at his wrists. His right was covered in fading cuts. The left was covered in fresh ones. Each were surrounded by red irritated skin. He gently brushed his fingers against the wounds. A finger then moved to trace over the cuts. He slowly began to press harder. Pain followed Russell’s finger as it moved over his skin. Russell retracted his hand and shook his head. 

_No. Not now. Don’t think about it now._

He grabbed the sweater and threw it on. It almost fit perfectly and didn’t feel itchy or heavy. If anything it was cozy, soft and light. Russell reached up towards the ceiling. The sleeves didn’t fall down. They stayed almost perfectly in place. He lowered his arms and grabbed the shirt. Russell walked into Raymond’s room and tossed the shirt into the basket as he passed by it in the hall. He peaked at the bathroom and saw the door was closed. Russell assumed that Raymond was probably still in there. He turned around towards the bed and noticed a body mirror on the opposite side of the room. He made his way over to the mirror and stood in front of it. He noticed that the sweater had wording on it. “World’s Greatest Grandson” It was in big, bright, yellow thread in the middle. Turned and looked over his shoulder to see if there was wording on the back, which there indeed was. “RayRay” Did they sell really specific sweaters like this? Did Raymond’s grandmother make this?

“Hey Russ! I’m….oh sorry. I forgot about your headache.”

Russell forgot he had a headache. The medicine seemed to work pretty quick.

“It’s fine. My head feels alot better.”

“That’s great, bud. Ah, I haven’t seen the sweater in forever.”

Raymond came over to Russell who had walked closer to Raymond. 

“I forgot I still had it. I thought my parents took it. Man, I loved wearing that when I was a kid. Is it still nice and cozy?”

Russell gave a nod.

“Did your grandmother make this for you?”

“Yep! Nonna loved knitting clothes for the family. I should probably call her. I haven’t talked to her in a while and I bet she loved to meet you. I mean if you want to meet her that is."

The idea of meeting Raymond's grandmother made Russell somewhat happy and excited. He wanted to meet her. He wanted to walk along the beach. He wanted her to sing him lullabies. 

"I want to meet her."

Raymond gave a smile.

"Alright. I'll give her a call later. Now let's head out."

Russell nodded. As the two were walking, Raymond abruptly stopped at the door frame.

"Um, Russ, if you won't mind, could you not mention the nickname to anyone. Especially the trio at work. That stays between you and me. Alright?"

"Ok……..RayRay."

Raymond sighed.

"Alright. Now let's go."

Raymond sounded mildly defeated. The two proceed on their way down the stairs and out the front door. Raymond locked up the house and then unlocked the car. He opened the passenger's side door and Russell hoped in. Raymond then went over to the driver's side door and opened it. He leaned in, put the keys in the ignition, started the car up, and put the AC on. 

"Give me a second and I'll be in." 

With that, Raymond closed the door and Russell watched him walk towards the back of the car. Once he went out of view, Russell sat forward in the seat. He buckled in and sat. It was quiet except for the sound of the AC. Waiting and waiting. It had only been a minute or two before Russell started to get impatient. He didn't know why. He wouldn't say he was excited to go buy clothes. Maybe because he knew Raymond had a habit of taking his time with things. But, Russell didn't feel that was the reason either. Russell tried to quell the feeling and continued to wait. 

“Hey! Sorry for the wait.”

Russell glanced over and saw that Raymond had gotten in. Russell watched as Raymond buckled in and proceeded to pull out of the driveway and on to the road. Something seemed off. His body seemed more tense and his grip of the steering wheel just seemed too tight. Russell didn’t know much about driving, but when Alice drove, she didn’t seem as tense. Was he uncomfortable? If he was, what was the reason for being so? What was he thinking? It bothered Russell. He wasn’t used to seeing Raymond like this. 

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be? I'm spending time with you."

His words were a bit shaky. It only added to Russell's worry. The car came to a red stoplight. Raymond sighed and rested his arm on the center console. Russell laid his hand on top of Raymond's and gave a comforting squeeze. Raymond peered over at Russell to meet his eyes. Raymond gave what Russell was sure was a genuine smile. Though Russell didn’t smile back, to Raymond, his eyes seemed to be brighter and happier. The light changed to green and Raymond withdrew his hand to back to the steering wheel. Russell was content with the response. If Raymond didn’t want to tell him, that was fine. Raymond never pressured Russell into speaking his feelings. So, if Russell had to wait, he was perfectly fine with doing so. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my friend for proof reading! Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Also, there was an End Roll zine a while back. In case you didn't get a buy one, on Saturday (I don't know which timezone the day is for. Sorry) they are going to open orders for the PDF for the zine. No physical copies or merch will be sold. All money made will go to Prevent Child Abuse America.  
> These are their links for Tumblr and Twitter:  
> https://endcreditszine.tumblr.com/  
> https://twitter.com/endcreditszine
> 
> Side Note: Having received my package from the preorder, the artwork is beautiful! All the merch was wonderful too! And on the off chance anyone that worked on the zine, the merch designs, and helped put it together, I just want to say you guys did a wonderful job! Thank you for putting in the time to make and put everything together


	9. Chapter 9

The rest of the car ride was mostly quiet. Raymond occasionally hummed or whistled and drummed on the steering wheel. Russell watched out the window as the buildings passed by. Shopping centers’ parking lots were packed. People walked along the sidewalk at a slow pace. The loud music of someone’s radio that needed to be lowered. No dull faced people stood hunched together at the corners. No one laid passed out on the ground. Everyone’s faces were smiling and happy. Not painted in sadness and tiredness. It made Russell a bit uneasy. Was it normal to be smiling while just walking? Would their faces change if they recognize him? His name and picture had to be released to the public. What if someone from his trial saw him? What if their families saw him?

“Russ, what’s the matter? You look nervous.”

Russell gazed over at Raymond who had staring out in front. After being snapped out his thoughts, Russell noticed how he was breathing. Quick, heavy breaths that made small sounds. Heart pounded in his chest. 

“Will they know?”

Raymond didn’t give an immediate answer. Whenever it was because he didn’t know what Russell or he didn’t even know the answer. The quiet was uncomfortable. They pulled into a large parking lot and parked near the entrance to the building. 

“As far as I’m aware, the police tried to keep it under wraps from the press. After you were put into the program, the court told everyone involved with the trial and investigation to keep quiet about you. The police said you didn’t come from a stable home based off your home. They figured you could be helped through Dreamsend. If you had failed the experiment, well...your name and photo would have been released since at that point you would have been put to death…..”

Raymond’s voice trailed out leaving the two sitting there. His words gave Russell some comfort, but a thought crept into his mind. The blonde lady on the tape said he would make speeches about juvenile delinquency and his experiments in the experiment. Wouldn’t already mean that he was known to the public? The medicine is only being tested on people on death row. The public knew that about the experiment, right? Russell was about to voice his concern, he heard the car door open. Raymond ruffled Russell’s hair and gave a smile.

“Don’t worry about them. I highly doubt if one of them is there and does see you there cause an issue. You look pretty young so others would probably guess that person or people are being too aggressive with you. And besides, I’m gonna be with you the whole time. I won’t let them do anything to ya Russ.”

His words didn’t worsen or help with the paranoia that Russell had. There only so much Raymond could do. He didn’t need his doing something stupid and get himself into trouble. Even if they did say something and Raymond intervened, he would still have to see them. See how miserable they were. How depressed they were. How angry they would be, knowing that the killer of their children, family, and friends walked free with a slap on the wrist. He got to live on while his victims' lives were ended too soon. But was it really living on? Sure, he had people that cared about him. But he has to live with blood stained hands, Living with the guilt. 

Russell nodded as a way to acknowledge what Raymond had said. Raymond replied with a nodded and unbuckled and hopped out of the car. Russell followed suit, closing the door behind him. Raymond locked the car and the two made their way through the parking lot towards the store. Inside the store, it seemed as though it was split into two sides. The right side gave a more masculine feel while the other a more feminine one. From what Russell could see, there were children dashing about running into the racks and into others. Both sides were packed with people searching through racks and moving in between racks. 

“Give me your hand Russ.”

Russell offered his hand which Raymond took. He gently pulled Russell in front of him and put his hands on his shoulders. Russell tilted his head back to try and look up at Raymond. 

“You can start walking. The young adult male section is further back on the left side.” 

Russell proceeded to walk in the direction he was told all the while Raymond kept his hands on Russell’s shoulders. They weaved their way through with Raymond guiding Russell through less crowd rows of racks. The two eventually reach the young adult section. The section was alot less crowd than what Russell now assumed was the children’s section. Raymond let go of Russell’s shoulders and moved to his side. 

“Alright Russ. Go to whatever rack you want to. I’ll be right behind you.”

Russell nodded and slowly started walking toward the closest rack. Raymond followed behind and started looking through the rack. Russell followed suit only to find t-shirts. He shifted to the next rack and found that it was full of long sleeved shirts. He took one at a time holding each up to his chest checking the length of the sleeves. If they were too short or seemed like they would be too bagging, they went back on the rack. Russell held three pairs of shirts. He chose not to grab too many things especially since he still had to get pants, socks, and the like. Raymond would be paying for everything which Russell didn’t like. Russell knew they had agreed that he would help around the house when needed as a way to pay Raymond back. But, Russell was sure that the only reason Raymond offered the proposition so Russell didn’t feel guilty. Guilty for accepting one's kindness while they know they don't deserve it. Russell won’t be surprised if Raymond didn’t ask him for anything. If anything, that’s what he was expecting. 

“Hey, what did you find bud?”

Russell snapped out of his thoughts and quickly held out the shirts.

"These are nice Russ, but aren't these too big."

Raymond held up the shirt to himself. It went down to his waist. While checking the sleeves lengths, he forgot that the shirt should actually fit. 

"Yeah…. definitely too big. Don't worry though. These could work for sleep wear. We'll find you some stuff for going out."

The two then spend a while searching through racks picking out clothes. The process itself got annoying after a while, but the occasional attempts from Raymond trying to get Russell to agree to buy stupid graphic t-shirts. It was always followed by Raymond begging like a whiny five year old. Russell wasn't sure if Raymond was serious or just being stupid. Either way, people still glared over at Raymond. Their glares were full of agitated and annoyance. Though, I didn’t bother Russell too much. The people’s attention was on Raymond’s antics, not on him. 

"I think we got you plenty of tops and bottoms. Now, we just need to get you some socks and underwear. Oh and another pair of shoes too. Though, we’ll have to go to another store for the shoes.” 

Russell stared at Raymond and nodded. Raymond was holding everything since he insisted that he should. Clothes were hung over his arms while the rest he held to his chest. Russell watched as Raymond struggled to hold everything. 

“Hey, Russ. Can you grab a shirt and a pair of pants and go try it on in the changing room? I just want to make sure that we’re going to get you the right size stuff. I tried to make sure we got everything around the same size.” 

Russell nodded and carefully grabbed a shirt and pants from Raymond’s arm.

“The changing room further back. I’ll go grab the other stuff in different sizes since you really can’t try that stuff on. After, I’ll be on the line.”

Russell nodded and headed off towards the changing room which conveniently was labelled. The changing room was a long hallway that had small stalls similar to the bathroom stalls he saw in school. Seeing an open one at the end, Russell tried to slip between the people that crowded it. People were talking through the stalls to each other. Young kids ran up and down the hall bumping into each other. Russell finally managed to reach the stall quickly entering it and locking the door. A mirror hung on the wall with a small bench in the corner. He laid the shirt and pants on the bench. As he removed his sweater, he watched in the mirror as bruised skin was revealed. His right hand clutched the sweater to chest while his left was limp by his side. The scars were visible. Eyes seemed so dead and dark. Though so dead, they were not. He could see perfectly fine. The bruise and scars. The reflection of the green sweater hanging behind him.

He glanced behind him to the real green sweater. It looked exactly like the one Chris usually wore. He walked over and reached up and pulled it off the hanger. He tossed his sweater onto the bench and held the green sweater to his chest. The sleeves landed on his shoulders that gently touched his back. It felt so similar to Chris’s. Russell's grip tightened and became almost desperate. Desperate for what? Desperate to hold him or desperate to scream I’m sorry over and over to him. 

“HI!”

Russell spun around and noticed a kid peeking his head under the door. 

_He definitely saw. He saw the bruises._

“Hey mister, what are those marks on your back?”

Russell just stared fearfully as he slowly backed away as much as he could. The boy stared back with curiosity. Soon, the kid seemed to be getting dragged back struggling the whole way.

“Hey! Stop it Adam!”

“Me stop it? You need to stop crawling underneath locked rooms! Someone’s going to end up kicking you in the face!”

The kid and his brother continued to argue with one another. Their voices soon began to trail off. Though the kid was gone, Russell couldn’t calm down. Kids were curious. Kids wanted their questions answered; one way or another. Would he ask his parents? Would he point him out to someone? If the kid did point him out, what would they think? A child with a body full of bruises. Bruises don’t come from nowhere. People usually jumped to conclusions without an explanation. Even with an explanation, some may be wary and untrusting. 

Russell threw the sweater onto the bench and quickly threw the one he had been wearing before. He grabbed the pile of clothes and unlocked the door and rushed out into the hall. It was still as crowded as it was before. Weaving and sometimes bumping into people as he hastily worked his way through. After reaching the end, Russell continued onto the checkout line hoping to see Raymond there waiting for him so he could finish checking out. Gladly, Raymond was there with most of the clothes looking to have been scanned and bagged. He rushed up to Raymond and tugged at his shirt.

“Hey Russ. Did everything fit fine?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now just place them up on the counter. You ok? You’re out of breath?”

Russell nodded and he placed the clothes on the counter. 

“I didn’t want you to wait for me.”

“Aw Russ. You didn’t need to rush for me. Oh, I see you found something else you liked.”

Russell nodded assuming he was referring to the sweater. 

“That’s good. I’m glad.”

Russell shifted closer to Raymond as he watched the cashier scan the clothing. He glanced around occasionally trying to see if the boy was near. After everything was scanned, Raymond pulled out his wallet along with cash.

“Your total is--”

“I know what it is. I was watching it ring up.”

Raymond handed the cashier a couple bills, which Russell couldn’t make out which ones. The cashier stiffly took them and gave Raymond an annoyed look. She quickly threw the money in the cash register and pulled out the change. She grabbed the receipt and handed it along with the change to Raymond. He thanked her and tossed the receipt and money into one of the bags.

“Have a good day, miss.”

The cashier said nothing as Raymond grabbed the bags and proceeded towards the door. Russell was close next to him trying to get out as fast as he could. The door was so close before they both heard a voice that seemed it was trying to call out to them.

“Excuse me sir!”

Both turned to see a lady with a little boy. It was the same boy from before. Russell moved to be behind Raymond as to not be seen. Though at that point, it was probably useless. 

“I’m sorry to bother you, but my son said he wanted to ask yours a question.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading. Hope you enjoyed!


	10. Chapter 10

Russell gripped the end of Raymond's shirt and tugged at it. Raymond glanced down behind him to see Russell staring at him. Anxious blue eyes stared with a hint of sadness. He hoped that Raymond understood that he wanted to leave. Raymond gave a nod before turning back to the women. 

“I’m sorry. We're really in a rush. Come on bud.”

Russell let go of Raymond’s shirt and followed besides him as they continued to the exit. 

“Please, it shouldn’t take long to answer a question. He really wants to.”

The kid leered at Russell who had moved back behind Raymond. There was something so malicious about his gaze. Something so threatening. A child's anger was a scary thing. Throwing a tantrum and blurting out things that were incomprehensible. Saying things that they didn't understand and that could cause damage. Cause kids were innocent. They didn’t know better. Well, at least most do. Russell's nails dug into Raymond's shirt and partly his skin. He leered back trying to match the same intensity. 

“Madam, we're in a rush.”

He sounded irritated with a hint of aggression. Irritation was somewhat normal, but the aggression was odd. Raymond whipped around and proceeded once again to the exit with Russell still attached to his side. The lady nor her son said anything else. The slide doors opened to greet the two to a pleasant breeze. Russell detached himself and walked besides Raymond. He struggled to keep up as Raymond who seemed to be lost in his thoughts. When Raymond reached the car, he popped open the truck and tossed all the bags in. Russell finally caught up with and glanced up at him. Yet again, he was tense. But, Russell didn’t believe it was for the same reason as before. His body movements were aggressive and violent in a way. The beeped twice and Raymond sat down on the ledge at the back of the car. Raymond hunched over and rested his head in his hands. 

“Go get in the car. I’ll be there in a minute.” 

Russell nodded and walked towards the passenger door. Before he did though, he heard a heavy sigh. Under the assumption that he came from Raymond, as there were no other people at the cars besides them, Russell opened the door and got in. The car was hot and humid. The sweater didn’t help the situation either. Now alone and in the safety of the car, he was able to sit and think. 

_ Raymond seemed off. Why did he seem off? What was he feeling that made him like that? Was he mad or sad? At first he acted mad, but then he started to act kinda upset. Which one was it? Or did his emotions change that quickly? And if so why? Was it because the lady didn’t want us to leave without answering her son’s question and he got annoyed by it? Was it because he felt bad that he ignored the lady’s request which in turn, probably upset her son? Now thinking about it, didn’t she refer to me as Raymond’s son? Not directly, but she still implied it. Is that what we looked like together? Father and son. How should I feel about that? Should I be happy? I feel like I should, but they were wrong. He isn't my father. He is my guardian. We aren't related. Shouldn’t I be mad that they were wrong? How does Raymond feel? Was Raymond upset with their assumption?  _

His thoughts were interrupted by the muffled sounds of yelling. Russell glanced out the window behind him. The lady and Raymond were arguing with one another. The boy and what Russell assumed was his brother standing besides their mother. The boy was crying while the brother also seemed to be comforting his brother.. Curious about what was being said, Russell quietly cracked open the door. Now, the voices were clear to hear. 

“He just wanted to ask a question, there was no need for you to yell at him like that!” 

The mother’s voice.

“I wouldn’t have needed to yell at him if only taught him that he can’t have everything!”

Raymond’s voice.

“He is just a kid! Why not spoil him? He’s a good kid!”

“Oh, of course he’s the perfect little kid. He peaks under changing room doors, runs out into a parking lot. The perfect kid that doesn’t know respect and safety! Maybe his mother should have taught him those things!”

The lady huffed before rebuttalling.

“He is just curious and can rush into things sometime! At least I don’t make mine uncomfortable! Did you see how you were making yours being so loud and irritating?”

“I just try to get him to smile and have him come out of his shell a bit! He knows he can ask me to stop!”

Again, she referred to Russell as Raymond’s son. Raymond didn’t say that Russell was his nor did he deny it. He was in the heat of an argument. Why would he focus on that one part rather than the whole? There would be no point in doing so. But didn’t people when upset have a habit of hyper focusing on little things that irritated them? If that’s the case, then the implications from the lady bother him. Russell let out a sigh, but he didn’t quite know why. Suddenly, the car door Russell had leaning on was opened. Lucky, Russell grabbed onto the dashboards before he fell out. The boy stared up at him with tear flooded eyes. His hands were gripping at the collar of his shirt while occasionally shifting his feet.

“Um….I’m sorry...for umm….peaking under the door.”

He sounded sincere and honest. The boy’s grip on his shirt tightened and his whole body began to fidget. 

“It’s ok.”

The boy’s eyes lit up and a messy smile adorned his face. 

“Does that mean I’m forgiven?”

“Yes.”

“Really?! Yay!” 

The boy began to parade around in a circle humming to himself. Russell was surprised no one had noticed what was going on between the two. The kid looked so happy and joyful. Such an innocent child. The boy suddenly stopped to look back at Russell. 

“Oh! What were those marks you had?”

Russell became tensed thinking of how to get out of the situation. Telling him exactly what they were was a horrible idea. Lying to him was a good idea, but it could easily backfire if the kid finds what he says as interesting and tells someone about it. An idea quickly hit Russell. 

“Um….We aren’t friends, and I really only tell my friends stuff about me.” 

“So, if I was your friend, you would tell me?”

“Yeah….but you would have to prove that I can trust you and you can’t tell anyone about are deal or your question.”

“OK! So to first start a friendship, we need to know each others names. I’m Noah. What’s yours?”

“Russell.”

“That’s a cool name!”

The two stare at each other before Noah turned to look at the argument that still had been going on. Noah sighed before showing a smile on his face.

“As your new friend, I’m going to stop my mom from arguing with your dad.”

Before Russell got a chance to respond to his declaration, Noah rushed off towards the fighting adults. Russell felt uncomfortable. From a young kid rushing off to stop arguing adults or that said kid referred to Raymond as his dad. He decided not to dwell on it for long and proceeded to follow Noah. Noah jump tackled his mother, almost knocking her to the ground. The bickering had stopped as everyone Noah somehow started to climb his mother. 

“Mom! Mom! Stop fighting! We’re friends now!”

His mother stared in disbelief. Her face quickly changed to one of relief. 

“That’s wonderful, honey. Now, let’s get going, sweetheart. Say goodbye to your friend.”

Noah turned his head and started to profusely wave at Russell. 

“Bye bye Russell!” 

Russell gave a shy wave back and watched as his mother carried him away with the brother tailing behind. The brother glanced in Russell’s direction and mouthed the words thank you before continuing to walk off. Russell then turned his attention to Raymond that had been quiet for the whole peaceful exchange. 

“Come on, let’s get going.” 

Raymond seemed completely drained of the normal energy he usually had. His voice was dull. Russell made his way back to his seat in the car, closing the door behind him. Raymond soon entered on his side, closing his door more softly than he had done before. The keys were put into the ignition, starting the car, and putting on the air conditioning. 

“Did you um…..nevermind.”

Russell stared in curiosity as now he had been left wondering what Raymond was going to ask. Raymond gently slammed his head into the back of the head rest. 

“So….did the kid apologize to ya?”

Russell nodded wondering if Raymond actually knew what Noah had done. Raymond sighed.

“His brother mentioned that his brother needed to apologize to you for peeking under the door to the changing room…….And if I can guess, he wanted to ask you about the marks, right?” 

Again, Russell nodded. Raymond then leaned forward to rest his head on the steering wheel. Concerned, Russell leaned over and hesitantly hovered his hand over Raymond’s head. His hand gently brushed his hair. As soon as Raymond started to lift his head, which caused Russell to quickly retract his hand. Raymond turned to look at Russell to be greeted with concerned eyes. 

“Hey, don’t look at me like that. I’m fine. Just that kid worries me, you know?”

Russell nodded in agreement. A part of him was glad Raymond had been thinking the same. The other part hated the concern. Russell could be concerned for himself. 

“Well, let’s hope the little prev keeps his mouth shut.”

Russell glared.

“What? A little harsh? Well, I mean, he does look pretty young though……”

Russell sat back down in the seat and mumbled. 

”You’re one to talk….”

Raymond gave a huff 

“Well, no. I just don’t go peeking under changing room doors.”

“What about women’s baths?”

“Hey now! I’m a grown man. It’s healthy for me to want to see that stuff. But, maybe not moral just….heh.”

Raymond gave a small chuckle. The atmosphere felt lighter in a way. Russell found it pleasant.

“It’s nice to see you taking shots at me.”

Russell stared at him in confusion. 

“Nevermind that. Put your seatbelt on and let’s go get you some new shoes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading! Hope you enjoyed!


	11. Chapter 11

The trip to the shoe store was the same as the first ride, but with a lighter atmosphere. The actual trip inside the store was mostly a different story. Thankfully the store had been empty except the employees, which relieved a bit of stress from Russell. That stress was soon replaced with frustration as all of the shoes he had tried on didn’t fit. The size of Russell’s shoes had been worn out and was unreadable, leaving neither of them to figure it out by process of elimination. It had only worked successfully for a while till they both realized that each brand had their own version of each size. Shoe boxes slowly started to pile up next to the seat Russell was sitting on. Eventually one of the employees came over and started putting the boxes back on their respected shelves. Russell thanked him for his help, who replied with an upset ‘It’s my job’ line. The cycle continued on till Russell had tried on about half of the reasonable sizes for him in the store. Finally, a pair of brown loafers, similar to his own, fit perfectly at a size 6. Russell was glad that they had at last found new shoes. Once Raymond made his way back from grabbing another set of boxes, Russell quickly told Raymond that pair had fit. Raymond was also glad and asked for the box. Russell gave it to him, which Raymond quickly scanned it and mumbled what Russell guessed was the brand and size. He handed the box back, He then gestured for Russell to stay before head off towards a shelf in the back. While waiting Russell fidgeted with the box. Curious, he checked for the price tag. $50. That was a lot by normal standards, right? He didn’t want Raymond paying that much, especially after how much he probably paid for the clothes. Raymond soon came back holding two more boxes. Raymond said that was everything and headed to checkout. As they passed by the employee, both said thank you and went to the register. Russell didn’t pay much attention other than when the cashier read out the total. $140. That was definitely pricey. After the price was read out, Raymond patted Russell on the head before paying. Russell was confused by the action but chose to shrug it off. Raymond paid, grabbed the bag, and wished the cashier a good day. Russell mumbled one before walking towards the exit, ahead of Raymond. . 

_If three pair of shoes was $140, how much were all the clothes he brought? I didn’t want to spend that much on me. He had the money for all of it, right? Of course he did, he wouldn’t have been able to take the stuff. But could he have afforded to spend all that? Didn’t he have bills to pay? Other expenses? Why did he----_

Russell’s thoughts were quickly stopped as he was pulled backwards, almost falling. He stared in front of him to see a car speed by closely. There was a scared but excited feeling about it. Fearful that he would have gotten hit, but at the same time the excitement of almost getting hit. Then he was suddenly spun around and stared up at Raymond who looked very concerned.

“You alright,bud?”

“Yes.”

Raymond sighed.

“Good. You need to pay attention Russell. I don’t want you getting hurt. Understand?’

Russell nodded.

“Good. Now let’s get going.”  
Raymond picked up the bag which he had dropped and grabbed Russell’s hand. It was hard to hold hands as their heights weren’t exactly close. Russell didn’t protest as the two walked the parking lot to the car. It was nice. He wasn’t used to others holding his hand nor any affection in general. He had experienced it before, but it had been a while. His body barely remembered what it felt like to receive affection. Raymond unlocked the car and popped open the truck, tossing in the bag. Russell got in on the passenger side and Raymond got in on the driver’s side. 

“We got all the clothes shopping done. It felt like forever, not that I mind. I’m just not the shopping type.” 

Raymond pulled out his phone, probably checking the time. 

“Damn, it’s 12:27pm. We been out for a while, huh. Then again what time did we get up?”

Russell shrugged his shoulders and shifted to sit more comfortably. He listened as he put his seatbelt on.

“Well, doesn’t matter…...Say, are you hungry bud?”

“Yes. A bit.”

“Alright. I’m hungry too. Do you want to eat out, pick something, or wait till we get home?”

“What do you want to do?”

“Me, I don’t care. As long as I get food, I’m happy.”

“Um……..”

The two were quiet for a bit as Russell tried to decide. He would prefer to eat at home without having to interact with people more, but didn’t want Raymond to do anymore for him. Pick up had less chance to interact with someone, but he would either have to go in, or go through the drive through. The drive through meant that Russell for sure wasn’t going to have to interact with anyone, but it was lunchtime and people usually went out for lunch. There was probably a line to wait through, and he didn’t want Raymond wasting more of his day on him. Go out definitely have interactions and sitting around strangers that could be watching him or listening to him. Russell didn’t know what to pick. 

“I don’t know……sorry.”

“It’s fine. Don’t apologise…...If you wouldn’t mind, there’s this place I usually go to. But only if you want too.”

Hesitant, Russell nodded. Going out was the last thing Russell wanted to do, but it was only fair that Raymond went somewhere he wanted as he spent most of his day doing stuff for him. Raymond started up the car, put the AC on, and drove out of the parking lot. Russell rested his head against the seatbelt and closed his eyes. He wasn’t tired, it was more of a way to relax. The soft sound of the AC mixed Raymond’s occasional humming. It was so peaceful…...so calming…..

“Hey Russ. Wakey wakey. We’re here.” 

Russell gave a small groan as Raymond gently shook his shoulder. To the best of his abilities, he rolled to his side and curled into a ball, ignoring Raymond. 

“Come on, bud. You can sleep more after you eat.”

Russell rolled back and slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times. Raymond was leaning in the car supporting himself with his arms. 

“Wake now?”

Russell nodded while rubbing his eyes. He unbuckled himself, opened the door and hopped out. He closed the door and turned to see what seemed to be a restaurant. Outside, stood a line that wrapped around the building. Russell became nervous and started to fidget. Raymond placed a hand on his shoulder, which resulted in Russell looking up at him. 

“We’re not eating there. It’s this way.” 

Raymond turned around walking ahead, holding his out behind him. Russell grabbed it and walked up next to him. They walked across the street to a small alleyway. Russell began to tense. Alleyways never had anything good connected to them. The two proceed down the alleyway with Russell standing the closest he could to Raymond. There was a small hanging, LED sign which read Hereafter. Opening the door made a small bell hanging from it chime. Russell glanced around quickly noticing that the place was completely barren of people except for an old couple sitting in the back right corner. The place was decorated with clouds and flowers hanging from the ceiling. The walls were painted with a green landscape with a sky blue skyline. A few strange buildings stood against the skyline with characters scattered about. A boy with a blue sweater and a boy with a light green shirt being some of note. An old woman peaked her head out from behind the head out from behind a pillar. 

“Ah welcome. Good to see you again.”

“Good to see you again too. You want a table or booth Russ?”

“A booth is fine.”

“Wonderful. Please follow me.”

The lady walked over to the podium next to them and grabbed menus that laid on top. She guided them towards the back left corner. 

“Is this alright?” 

“Yep. What about you, Russ?” 

“Yeah…..thank you.”

“You’re very welcome young man. Get yourselves situated and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

The lady placed the menus on the table and walked away towards a small hallway and turned into it. Raymond and Russell sat down into the booth on opposite sides. Since it was a corner booth, the whole booth was connected together leaving just a small spot to get out. Russell picked up a menu and flipped it open. There were sections under different food listed underneath with a description and price next to each one. The drinks were listed on the back in a small section. Sodas, water, lemonade, and fruit juices. Apple, peach, pomegranate, watermelon, blueberry, and cranberry. No orange juice. Though disappointed, Russell decided to just look at the food and just get water. 

“Hey Russ, do you want any appetizers? They have mozzarella sticks and other stuff.” 

Russell quickly scanned the appetizers section with only one thing really catching his eye. Pretzel rolls. Russell had heard about pretzels once before but never actually tried them before. The rolls part only made him more curious. Were they usually shaped like in a twisty fashion? Russell hesitated to answer as he really wanted them, but they were him like most of the spending had been for the day. And what if he didn’t like them? That would just be a waste. 

“Russell.”

Russell slowly lowered the menu a bit as he had been raising it slightly without noticing.

“Yes?”

“If you see something you want, just tell me. And if you don’t like it, I eat it. I’m a human garbage can for food. As long as it tastes half decent, I’ll eat it.”

Raymond gave a goofy smile with his eyes closed. But something about it just annoyed Russell.

“Ok…...but don’t call yourself a human garbage can again!”

Russell’s voice was as loud as most people would speak at in normal conversation. But, that was like Russell’s version of yelling. Raymond’s eyes shot open and he looked upset. 

“Hey, it was only a joke, bud.”

“To you may have been, but obviously he didn’t view it as so. Isn’t that right, sweetheart?”

The lady from before had walked over to their booth. 

Uncomfortable being directly talked too, Russell gave a simple nod. 

Raymond sighed. 

“Sorry, Russ. I didn’t think it would upset you.”

Russell held out his arm across the table. Raymond laid his hand over Russell’s. Russell quickly changed that as he removed his hand from underneath and placed it on top of Raymond’s. He gently grabbed Raymond’s wrist, which made Raymond and the lady smile.

“You are such a good young gentleman. Now, what would you too like to start with?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my friend for proof reading! Hope you enjoyed!  
> Sorry this took a little longer to update.


	12. Chapter 12

“I’ll start with water and mozzarella sticks.”

The lady pulled a little book out from her apron and wrote down the order.

“And for you, young man?”

“Um…..” 

Russell glanced over at Raymond who gave him a calming smile.

“The….um...pretzel rolls.”

“Wonderful choice. And to drink?”

Russell quickly decided on water, but right before he answered, Raymond spoke. 

“I didn’t see it listed, but do you happen to have orange juice?”

“Why, yes we do. Is that what this little gentleman would like?”

Russell gave a small nod.

“Alright. I’ll put that in and I’ll give gentlemen time to decide on your entrees.”

The lady gave a soft smile before walking off. Raymond and Russell stared at each other, one with a smile and one with a frown. The two continued staring until Raymond broke the silence. 

“Why the grumpy face? Are you mad at me?”

Russell ignored him and continued to stare. Raymond sighed. He got up from the booth and walked over to Russell’s side. Russell just watched as Raymond leaned over and…..

“Aww. Is Russ being pouty? Why is Russy pouty?”   
Raymond smushed Russell’s face and rubbed his cheeks. Russell, now very much annoyed, grabbed Raymond’s hands and attempted to pull them off. Which didn’t work at all. If anything it only egged him on more, now switching between smushing and pinching. 

“Why you pouty and grumpy? Come on, tell Raymond. Did he make you upset?”

“Cause….you…..”

Russell found it hard to speak, which Raymond realized and let go on Russell’s cheeks. 

“Cause you asked for something for me….and it wasn’t listed.”

Raymond looked confused before processing and responding.

“And you think that would make a hassle for the staff to get you a glass of orange juice?”

Russell nodded.

“Russ, I asked if they had orange juice, not for a whole cow with the works.”

Russell stared now with a confused look. 

“Did that make sense?”

“Kinda.”

Raymond sighed. 

“I mean that it wasn’t like I asked for something unreasonable. It was something reasonable. And besides, I know you like it. You get it now?”

“Yeah……”

“Good. Please don’t worry about small things like that. It’s not good for you.” 

Instead of leaning, Raymond had kneeled down to below Russell’s eye level. The action made Russell feel calmer in a way. 

“I will try.”

“Good. Remember, I’m to help and support. Now, for lunch, did you see anything you wanted?” 

Russell thought as Raymond made his way back to his seat. He skimmed the menu, noticing the pizza section. Again, it was something he had never had, but had heard about. There was a list of toppings alone with one’s with names and descriptions. Extra cheese, pepperoni, sausage…...the list went on. Most of which Russell didn’t know. Along the side of the section were sizes listed out, each with a number. Small 10”, Medium 12” Large 14”. Extra Large 16”. The numbers made Russell curious. What was the use for them? Russell figured he ask Raymond, but answered Raymond’s first.

“Yes, but um… I have a question.”

“What is it bud?”

“What do these numbers mean?”

He laid the menu down and pointed at the row of numbers. 

“Oh these are to say how many inches each size is. You want pizza then bud, I’m assuming?”

“Yeah…...but why would you need to include the number size if the size is spelled out?”

“Cause every place can have their own version of each size. One place could have their smalls at 11 inches.”

“Ok…..um…..

_ Don’t overthink it. It’s just asking questions. You are not bothering Raymond.  _

“Um….why do they have the quotation marks next to them?”

Raymond looked confused before quickly changing to one of realization. 

“Oh….sorry. I haven’t been in school in a while and I had to dig it up from the back of my memory. I believe they are used here to show that it’s in inches. I’m surprised you didn’t learn that in school, then again that’s probably something that was of least importance to you at the time.”

Raymond knew only bits and pieces of Russell’s past. Mostly major things that impacted him and things Russell disclosed to him. Abuse and the like. Raymond wasn’t wrong. Small pieces of information like that didn’t matter. Anything learned in school didn’t matter. School didn’t teach self defense, how to run drugs, or how to live in an abusive household. Not like any of the teachers cared about their students. No said anything when he came in on one of those rare days with a black eye. No one questioned why he barely showed up. But Russell didn’t want to dwell on those thoughts. He was more curious about what Raymond had said. Raymond probably went to better schools. He was an idiot most of the time, but still he would have had to remember information like that to get through school. He got a job at Dreamsend, which probably only wanted people with good grades and high intelligence. 

“But isn’t that information important?”

“Probably. I never paid attention much…..or tried…..at all.”

Before Russell got to question further, the lady from before came up holding two glasses. 

“Your drinks, gentlemen.”

She placed both drinks close to each one they were for. 

“Thank you.”   
“ Thank you. ”

“Now are you two ready to order?”

“I’m pretty sure we are. You wanted pizza, right bud?”

Russell nodded. 

“You want any toppings on it?”   
“Um….extra cheese if that’s ok….”

“Of course Russ! In that case, an extra large pizza with extra cheese please. That should be fine for us, right bud?”

_ Wait. He isn’t just getting the pizza just that there won’t be a lot of leftovers. Right? No Russell. Stop it. You are over thinking. Just……..breath….. _

“Mm-hmm.”

It sounded more cheery than Russell’s usual self. It wasn’t intentional. It bothered him, but it seemed to please Raymond. His eyes seemed brighter and lighter. That was good. Good since Raymond didn’t see the somewhat of internal conflict Russell had. 

“Wonderful choice. Your appetizers will be out shortly.”

The lady walked away leaving the two to continue with their conversation. Russell hesitated as he was unsure that it would be ok to continue with the topic as it had been interrupted. He quickly took a sip from his glass hoping that maybe it would help a bit with his nerves. A quick deep breath before asking.

"Um….if you never tried, how did you get through school then and get a job?"

Raymond chuckled which Russell found odd. 

"Well……..with school…….. elementary I wasn't that bad, if anything, I'd say I was pretty smart for my age. In the beginning of middle school, my grades were dropping and then highschool……..that’s something you shouldn’t hear about. But let’s just go with, I  _ really  _ stopped caring….I still passed each year but only cause Yue helped me most of the time.”

“Yue?”

“Yep. Met her over the summer before 9th grade. I was hitting on one of her friends and Yue started telling me to shut my mouth and other stuff that you don’t need to hear. And since then, Yue has been my friend. Well…..not since that immediate moment but, you get what I mean, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Now thinking about it, that’s probably why she has so much tolerance for me.”

But she seemed to get very irritated with Raymond now. How irritated did she get with him before? If she found him that annoying, why even be friends with him? Was it based off filling a need? An exchange? Was it like what his mother did? No…..Yue wasn’t a hussy. A hussy was a lewd or brazen woman according to the dictionary he used in school one time. Chr--his friend’s mom referred to her on an occasion. Russell didn’t know exactly what his mother had been doing with those men only that it related to the word hussy and that it brought in money. Whatever it may have been, Russell didn’t feel like Yue related to that. Still curious with more questions, Russell was about to ask more only to be cut off with the plates being placed on the table. A basket like plate filled with pretzel rolls was placed in front of Russell while a long plate with mozzarella sticks was placed in front of Raymond. A small plate with a set of utensils wrapped up in front of him and Raymond. 

“Your appetizers gentlemen.”

"Thank you," was said in unison by both and the lady walked away, but not before saying a simple enjoy. Both plates of food looked wonderful and smelled delightful. Russell gave Raymond an unsure glance questioning if he was allowed to take a roll. Raymond said nothing and gave a smile, before grabbing a mozzarella stick and taking a bite from it. Only when his mouth was stuffed, did he say anything. 

"Mmph eaf up!"

The attempt at talking was short which made it easier for Russell to process and understand. He took a roll and hesitantly bit into it. It was nice and warm. After finishing with the piece, he promptly took another. The process continued till the roll had been finished. Turning his attention to the basket grabbing another. 

“I’m guessing you like them?”

Russell nodded before digging into the roll he was holding. Quickly finishing the second, and then staring at the basket tempted to take another. Though it wasn’t much, Russell felt almost full and tired; more than he was before at least. Running from place to place wasn’t something Russell was used to, which was wearing him out. He folded his arms on the table and rested his head on them. He felt some pain from the action, but ignored it as to not raise concern. The basket was slid over to the side revealing Raymond who was doing the same thing. Russell’s attention turned to the long plate which only had one mozzarella stick left which originally had seven.. Russell assumed that was the reason Raymond looked like he probably did. Full and tired. Russell tucked his head into his arms. The table suddenly shifted causing Russell’s head to shoot up.

“Sorry Russ. I accidentally kicked the table. Put your head back down and rest. I’ll tap you when the rest of the food gets here.”

Russell nodded and went back to his previous position. He closed his eyes and listened; not for anything in particular, just for noise. The noise most prominent was his own breathing. Thankfully the air conditioning seemed to be on as if it wasn’t. Russell would most definitely being breathing harder. Now thinking about it, isn’t it odd no one asked him why he was wearing a sweater while it was hot out? The sweater wasn’t like a heavy winter one, but it was a sweater no less. Of course, Russell was thankful no one has, but how would it take for someone to question it. He knew he would be spending a lot of time with Raymond. He would eventually become curious as to why Russell would always be wearing long sleeves. Wouldn’t he? Russell tried to shake the thought he believed it wasn’t a time to think about as he was becoming nervous, which almost always seemed to be picked up on by others. Russell felt a tap on his shoulder. He lifted his head to be greeted by an extra large pizza with extra cheese. He turned to thank the lady who was standing next to the table. Raymond also did, but sounded louder than how he usually said it. 

“Enjoy.”

And with that, the lady walked away leaving the two to eat. Russell turned back towards the pizza which gave off a heat. 

“Want me to help you with it?”

Russell spun around towards the voice to see Raymond had moved to sit next to him. Though it surprised him, Russell didn’t unwelcome it. He took Raymond up on the offer and watched as Raymond grabbed a piece of the pizza and slipped it onto a new larger plate than the small he had before. 

“There ya go! Let me know if you want more.”

Russell nodded and looked down at the plate. He then looked back to Raymond as he retrieved his own slice, but instead of putting it on a plate, Raymond immediately took a bite out of it. Russell followed suit. Again, the food was wonderful tasting. He continued to eat the slice till he finished and then asked for another slice to which Raymond happily helped him with.

Russell ended up finishing the slice and his orange juice. He soon found out that wasn’t a good combination at all. Instead of laying back on his arms as they started to hurt and throb a bit, and shyly asked Raymond if he could lean on his arm.

“Of course Russ. It would be an honor.”

Russell found the last part a little odd, but decided to ignore and lean against his arm. Raymond didn’t seem to move much other than his breathing. His eyes started to close and he had fallen asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading! Hope you enjoyed!  
> I'm so sorry this came out so late.


	13. Chapter 13

Russell woke up wrapped up in a blanket laying on a couch. Under his head laid a soft pillow while in his arms was his plush rabbit. A show, one Russell wasn’t familiar with, was playing on the tv. From the surroundings, Russell guessed that he was back at Raymond’s. Now, Russell wondered where Raymond was. Part of him wanted to feed into the curiosity while the other wanted to stay wrapped up. Curiosity won and Russell unwrapped himself with a little difficulty as how tight he was wrapped. Still holding the plush, he began walking around the house starting with the kitchen. No sign of Raymond. Russell sweeped through the downstairs finding nothing. He then made his way upstairs, Again, empty. He stood worried in Raymond’s room as he wanted to know where Raymond was. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed, through the window, a dog. He walked over to it, and watched the dog hop around its yard. There was an urge to want to play with it and pet it. Dogs were rarely around where he previously lived, which only fed into the urge. Russell tried to quell the feeling and focus on the task at hand. He gazed shifted downward into Raymond’s backyard. Sitting on the patio was Raymond who looked to be on the phone. Russell turned to walk away, but then turning back and waving at the dog as if it could see him. He then rushed downstairs and into the dining room. In the back was a door that led to the backyard. The door was unlocked and Russell slid open the door trying to be quiet. After closing the door behind him, Russell turned toward Raymond who noticed him and waved. Raymond moved his phone away from his ear and covered it with his other hand.

"Walter's on the phone. Want to talk with him?" 

"Only if he wants to."

"Of course he does."

Raymond gestures for Russell to come over and handed him the phone. Russell placed his plush of the table next to him. 

"Hi…….”

“Oh. Hello Russell. I see Raymond put you on the phone.”

“Yes…….He said you wanted to talk with me.” 

“I do. How have you been? Has Raymond been behaving himself.”  
“He has. I have been ok.” 

“Good. Am I correct to assume that you have just woken up?”

“Yes……”

“Raymond told me you had fallen asleep. How was it then?”

“It was nice.”

“Good. I’ll be over some time later and then we can talk more later. Now, hand back Raymond the phone. ”

“Ok.”

Russell did what he was told and grabbed back his plush from the table. Wanting to wait for Raymond, Russell sat in the chair across from him. Russell stuffed his face into his arms along with the plush. It was all in an attempt to block out Raymond’s talking as it was a conversion between Raymond and Walter, not him. While it did work to muffle the talking, what it didn’t muffle was a loud bark. Russell lifted his head and turned toward the fence. Hopeful at the thought of getting to see the dog closer up, Russell slipped off of the chair and silently rushed over to the fence. The fence was in almost perfect condition except for the right corner which had a slight gap in between the wood. Through the gap, Russell watched as the dog tossed its ball up in the air to only bark at it and do it again. The dog soon turned its attention away from the ball toward the person staring into its territory. The two stare at each in silence before the dog started to bound over. As the dog got closer, Russell moved away from the gap but not enough as to not be able to see the other side. The dog tried to shove its nose in between as it occasionally pawwed at the fence. Russell gently brushed his hand against its nose. He snapped his hand back at the cold, wet feeling. The dog immediately started to whine and pressing its nose through the gap. Taking it as an invite, Russell started to rub its nose. Slowly inching forward closer, and gently stroking along the dog's snout. Everytime his wrist passed over its nose, the dog immediately tried to lick it. Russell found it odd. Could the dog smell the wounds? Maybe…..sense them? Russell had heard of dogs being able to sense when something was wrong. 

“Olly! Come here boy!”

Olly quickly turned away and trotted away towards his owner. Russell waved goodbye and walked back to the table. Raymond was off the phone and watched Russell walk up. 

“What were you looking at bud?”

“A dog named Olly.”

“Really? Didn’t even know the people living there had one. Was he cute?”

“Yeah…..He was kinda big and fluffy. His nose was cold and wet.”

“He sounds adorable. He’ll definitely be out again so you’ll probably get to see him again. Now, let’s go inside and watch tv.”

Russell nodded and followed behind into the living room; locking the door behind him. The two sat down and shared the blanket.

"What do you ya want to watch bud?"

Russell shrugged his shoulders. He never really watched tv much. The only things he ever seen on tv were black and white movies. As Raymond flicked through the channels, one show caught Russell’s eye. The show in question had a rabbit named Max. Russell poked Raymond’s arm hoping to get his attention. 

“You saw something Russ?”

Russell nodded.

“Do you remember what the title was?”  
“No…..sorry…..I remember it had a rabbit.”

“Hey don’t apologise. A rabbit…..I believe it…was….there! This one.”

And he was right. The rabbit supposedly named Max was shown to be annoying his sister and her friends. 

Russell was watching intently as the rabbits went with their shenanigans. It was a cute, cheerful show and full of rabbits. Neither of the two knew how long they been watching. Russell got the feeling it was probably too long. Before he got a chance to tell Raymond he can change the channel, the doorbell rings. 

“Give me a minute.”

Raymond hoped off the couch, unlocked the door, and opened it. 

“Hey Walter!”

“Hello.”

Russell turned and waved at Walter. He was dressed in more casual clothes than Russell was used too. Walter was holding a few bags that were full to the brim. Wanting to help, Russell made his way over to him. 

“Do you want me to help?”

“No. I’m quite able to carry the bags. Thank you for the offer.”  
Walter’s reply didn’t come off as harsh then usual. It made Russell wonder why. 

“Now, if I come in.”

“Oh yeah. Come in. You can put the bags on the dining room table.”

Walter walked past them and into the dining room. After closing and locking the door, the two followed behind him. Walter sat down in one of the chairs and gestured for them to do so too. 

“You can start taking the stuff out of the bags Russell. It’s somethings for you. ”

“Yeah. I wanna see what the grumpy man got for you.”  
Walter sighed and gave Raymond a side eye. 

Russell pulled one of the bags closer to him and reached his hand into the bag. He pulled out a pencil case that unsurprisingly was filled with pens. He continued, soon figuring out that the bag was filled with work related things. Pencils, notebooks, binders, paper, colored pencils, and folders. The second bag contained workbooks and four textbooks. Though Raymond looked mildly annoyed at the gifts, Russell liked them alot. He knew he would eventually have to go back to school and that good grades would probably be expected. Russell still had that nagging feeling that he should just fail. That he didn't deserve to succeed.

“Thank you…”  
“You’re welcome. They should be useful. And if you need an explanation on anything, call and ask me.”

“Or you can always ask me too.”

“Raymond, the worst person Russell could ask for help from is you.”

“Not true! If he needs help getting something off the top self, I can get it for him.”

“I---”

Walter threw his head in his hands while Raymond chuckled. 

“I’ll help you put the books away on your shelf later. You wanna go back and watch tv, bud?” 

Russell nodded. 

“First though, let’s put the books back in the bags and put them on the stairs.”  
The two, and Walter who soon joined in, packaged the stuff back into the bags and walked to place them on the stairs.

“Russell and I will go put the books in his room instead. Come on now.”

Before getting the chance to interject, Walter dragged Russell behind him up the stairs. They placed the bags on bookshelf before Walter gestured for Russell to sit on the bed. From his jacket, he pulled out a small book. 

“Use it as a diary.”  
Russell took the diary and stared at in. 

“You had one previous, correct?”  
He nodded without looking up from the book.

“I thought so. It should be good for you to write in.”  
“Thank you.”

“Now put it somewhere you like. I’ll wait for you by the stairs.”

Walter left the room, leaving Russell with his diary. Walter told him to put it somewhere he wanted…...Russell wanted it hidden. Where was the question. Maybe under the bed. Or maybe between the bed and the wall. Both ideas debated inside Russell’s head. He ultimately decided on underneath the bed. There wasn’t much space under the bed for Raymond to crawl underneath, but enough for him. Russell crawled underneath the bed and put the diary in the corner. Having been satisfied with the hiding place, Russell went to the stairs. Walter was standing there with his arms crossed looking mildly impatient. 

“All done?”

Russell nodded

“Alright. Come on then.”

The two went downstairs and didn’t see Raymond anywhere.

“I will go check to see if he is outside. Go watch something or just do something.” 

Russell did what he was told and wrapped himself in the blanket with his plush. He continued watching the channel from before as it was still playing episodes of the show. After a while, and Russell becoming more concerned that something happened outside, the backdoor suddenly slammed open, making him jump. Then the door closed. Curious, Russell hopped off the couch with the plush and walked to the back door. Since the door was glass, Russell could through and saw Raymond with his head on the table with Walter standing to the side of him. There was muffled talking, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. Walter glanced up in Russell’s direction before leaning down and whispering something in Raymond’s ear. Raymond’s head quickly snapped to the side and then to Russell. For a brief second, Russell saw a sad face then quickly changed to a smile. Raymond got up from the chair and rushed over to the door to open it. 

“Hey Russ! Sorry if I made you worry. I went out to get some fresh air and fell asleep.” 

Russell didn’t believe him, but he knew Raymond would never admit he was. Walter came in and closed the door behind. 

“I’ll be taking my leave. Russell, go to bed at a reasonable time.”

Raymond and Russell walked Walter to the door. Before stepping outside, Walter gave Raymond a menacing glare. As soon as he was out the door, Raymond slammed it shut and locked. The slam caused Russell to jump again. 

"Sorry, Russ."

Raymond ruffled Russell's hair, but it wasn't as playful as it usually was. 

"Wanna watch more tv?"

"Only if you want to…..You said you were tired before…."

"Of course bud! I got a power nap in before so I'm good."

Raymond cheerfully made his way to the couch and patted the seat next to him. Russell sat next him and was quickly wrapped in the blanket. 

"Comfy?"

Russell nodded. 

The two sat quiet before Raymond slowly rested his head on Russell's. Though taken by surprise, Russell didn't say anything. 

"Hey Russ, can I ask you a question?"

Raymond's voice sounded nervous and shaky. 

"Do you like me?"

"Yes. I like you."

"Don't I annoy you?"

"Sometimes, but that doesn't mean that I don't like you. You have done so much for me and I appreciate it."

"Russ, just because someone does nice things for you doesn't mean you have to like them."

Raymond lifted his head and Russell turned his own to look at him.

"Why? Aren't you supposed to?"

"No. Not at all. Say if someone is mean to you, but they do things for you. Would you say you like them?"

"No….."

"Right. So with that, I'll ask again. Do you like me?"

"Yes. Not because you do nice things for me. Because you are nice to me."

Raymond smiled and rested his head back down on Russell's. Soon after Raymond had fallen asleep. 

"Night night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my friend for proof reading! Hope you enjoyed!


	14. Chapter 14

The next few days were calm and monotone. Calm when dark thoughts didn't creep into his head. Waking up, breakfast, videogames or tv, lunch, videogames or tv, dinner, videogames or tv, desert, videogames or tv, and then bed. It wasn’t a strict schedule, it was more like a base. Russell always fell asleep at least once a day. He was never questioned about it. It wasn’t because he was tired nor was it because of boredom. Habit maybe? Or familiarity in a way? Sleeping in the corner of the bathroom to hopefully sleep off the pain. Maybe that’s why at night once Raymond goes to bed, Russell sneaks into the bathroom across the hall and sleeps in the tub. It was a lot less comfortable than the bed, but it was familiar. Every morning, he always managed to wake up before Raymond….except for when he found himself in his own bed one morning. Instead of getting out of bed, he chose to wrap himself up more up against the wall. 

“Russ, you wake?”

No response. 

Raymond sighed and Russell listened as the sound of footsteps faded away. He laid there for a few minutes before deciding to unwrap himself. Now thinking back on it, it was the first time Raymond came into his to see if it was awake. Whether it was to question him or whatever else, Russell decided that it was only right that he get up. Especially with the option of Raymond needing him for something. He slowly unwrapped himself, then dragged himself out of bed rubbing his eyes. From the staircase, Russell could hear the sound of the tv. 

“Morning, Russ! How was your sleep?”

After reaching the button, Russell turned to see Raymond sitting on the couch dressed in regular clothes and not in pjs. 

“It was fine. How was yours?”

“Mine was good! We have to go out today to get food and stuff. Go get ready while I make us some breakfast.”

Russell nodded before making his way back upstairs. He closed the bedroom door and grabbed a set of clothes from the closet with the help of a step stool. He quickly changed his clothes, opened the door and into the hall. Tossing his pjs into the laundry bin and then walking into Raymond’s room. In front of the mirror, Russell straighten out his clothes, making sure that almost all his skin was covered. Trying to sleep only led to thinking and thoughts tossing around in his head. And a meeting that always happened during those times were a razor blade to flesh. Pale skin marred with dark red clips struggling to heal as they are opened over and over. On one particular night, thoughts particular dark too, left a few cuts between his neck and his collarbone. None were especially deep, though if they had been, the consequences would have been immense. Something that couldn't be hidden. Thankful, his shirt easily covered the cuts, fitting shug. He quickly checked in the cabinet under the sink to make sure the razor blade he was using was still there, It was hidden in the back wrapped in a few tissues. He put everything in the cabinet back in place before closing it and heading it downstairs. On the dining room table, sat bowl of cereal and a glass of milk. Raymond stood by the back door and gave Russell a smile. 

“Hey Russ, sit and eat. I have to go outside for a minute.” 

Raymond went out the back door, and Russell sat down to eat. As he ate, Russell watched Raymond outside. He was on the phone. Though not being able to understand what was being said, Russell found it interesting. Especially how Raymond constantly seemed to want to grab something in his pocket. And everytime, he stopped himself. At some points, Raymond got irritated , similar to how he has been some days. Almost every other day, he was irritated, not that he tried to show it, and always took aspirins on those days. On days he went outside, Raymond always came in happy, but tense at the same time. It was odd, but Russell never questioned as he knew he wouldn’t get an answer. Russell finished his breakfast, and walked over to the sink to wash the bowl. To do so though, he had to stand on a step stool that Raymond left for him. The sound back door opened and closed, following in Raymond’s footsteps. 

“You didn’t have to wash. I woulda done it.”

“It was my mess….”

“Yeah, but who always washes the dishes?”

“You……”

Russell stepped down, tucked the stool under the sink and shifted away from the sink. 

“Thank you for washing though. Now, let’s get going. The sooner we go out and get everything done, the sooner we come home and relax.”

Raymond grabbed his keys from the table and headed toward the door with Russell following behind. The two went outside, Raymond locking the door while Russell stood by the car waiting for him to unlock it. Raymond finally did and Russell quickly got in, with Raymond getting in soon after. Both buckled in, and the car started on its way. For the car ride, Russell watched out the window. They soon pulled into the parking lot that was almost completely empty. Raymond parked the car, and both got out of the car. The car beeped and the two started walking towards the store. Raymond grabbed a cart and turned towards Russell.

“Wanna ride in the cart?”

Russell stared mildly shocked by the offer. 

“If you don’t wanna, you don’t have too. But, let me know if you want to anytime.” 

Raymond started continuing on with Russell walking besides him. Russell was greeted by a world full of food. Shelves full food products as far as his eyes could see. To his left, there was a tank full of red animals with fish laying in ice next to it. In the back, he spotted something else which he could quite make out. Part of him wanted to dash off, looking at all the things he has never seen, while the other wanted to stay close to something familiar. He chose to stay close, hoping to see more as they walked around.

“Alrighty. We got to get a few main things to get and anything else you want."

"I don't want anything."

"Russ, you haven't even looked around yet. Maybe you'll see something you want. Now, we need to get eggs."

Raymond started walking towards the eggs, as Russell trailed behind, looking around as they walked. Only a few other people were around which made Russell a little more comfortable. Wonderful, fresh scents slowly filled the air. They passed by a bakery of sorts that had cases lined and filled with breads, muffins, and other things. Having been distracted, Russell quickly had to catch up to Raymond who had continued on. The refrigerated section was unsurprisingly cold, which Russell was glad for as he had been hot in the long sleeved shirt. It didn’t long to the eggs and they quickly moved onto the rest of the list. Throughout the time, Russell occasionally got distracted by almost everything. A case filled with meats and cheese, bottled water, the bakery thing again, and now an aisle filled with candy. A whole aisle dedicated to candy, chocolate, and other things of the like. 

“Pick something out for yourself Russ. You haven’t asked for anything. There’s bound to be something you like here.”

Russell nodded and began to examine the items. He knew telling Raymond that he didn’t want anything wasn’t going to do anything. The idea that maybe looking at everything first would hopefully allow him to get away with not getting anything. Russell tried to be as quick as possible, not to the point that it was noticeable he wasn’t actually looking. He occasionally picked up one of the bags and put it back down to add to the act. After finishing the one side of the aisle, Russell turned to walk to the other only to notice the several bags of candy now in the cart. One of which, he just picked up a moment ago. Russell glared at Raymond who stared back with an “I didn’t do anything” face. 

“What’s the matter Russ?”

Russell glanced down at the candy before looking back at him. 

“It was candy I liked so I grabbed it.”

“Liar…….”

“What was that Russ?”

Russell shifted backwards a little and became nervous. Those words meant he was in trouble. Speaking against someone never went well for him. His mind raced and he attempted to try to calm himself. 

_Relax…..relax…...relax…..It’s Raymond…..he’s not the type to get mad…..yeah…._

“Liar….”

“Yeah…..You’re right…. I saw you picking them up so I figure they at least interested you enough to pick them up. And you don’t like asking for things…..”

Raymond looked mildly surprised which didn’t match his oddly playful yet upset tone. On another, he wasn’t completely wrong with what he said…..Russell looked down at the cart and pointed at a red bag that had a yellow border around the wording.

“That one.”

“Alrighty. Anymore?”

"No...I just want that one."

"Ok. Now to just put the rest back and then we can checkout."

Raymond's definition of putting things back was dumping the unwanted bags in a single spot.

"That's not putting them back……"

"Technically it is…..just not in the right place…."

Russell stared.

"Fine…. I'll put them back in their correct place."

Being watched ever so vigilantly, Raymond carefully and precisely put everything back in their respected place.

"There. All back in order. Now let’s head to checkout.” 

The two headed toward checkout, Russell trying to keep as next to Raymond as possible. 

“Thank you…..”

“For what bud?”

“Getting me stuff…..”

"Hey, I'm just taking care of you. There's no reason to thank me."

Raymond ruffled Russell's hair and then gently patted his head. 

"But still…..how can I not say thank you?"

"Um...I don't know…..I mean, you don't have to thank me for getting you things to fulfill your basic human needs."

"But you don't need to get me those things.”

“I do.”

“Why?”

“Cause I care about you.”

Before Russell decided to rebuttal, they pulled up into a checkout line which, thankfully, was empty. Both started putting items on the convoy belt and once they finished doing so, they both, along with the cart. Russell watched as Raymond bagged everything as he could not reach enough into to put the bags in. 

“Russ, are you sure you don’t want to sit in the cart?”

“Aren’t we leaving?”

“Yeah, but we still got to bring everything to the car.”

“Do you want me to?”

“Maybe…..”

“Ok….I want to sit in the cart”

“Really? Great!”

Without hesitation, Raymond lifted Russell into the top of the cart. Now being a little bit "taller", Russell was able to see many wonderful things such as the exit past a cart that looked like a mini mountain. Russell partly enjoyed the added height. For a moment, he felt…... ok as if nothing was bothering. A young, healthy, lively teen ready to take on the world. Once that feeling left, he felt the same way he did before. Worthless…..His eyes drifted downward to his lap. Russell slowly began to space out. A bright light suddenly flash, snapping him back into reality. 

"Damn, didn't realize I had the flash on."

Russell looked over in Raymond's direction to see him quickly tuck his phone into his pocket. Another patron and the cashier started giggling only adding to Russell's confusion.

"Raymond?"

Raymond ruffled Russell's hair before continuing with the bagging. He finished up, and then paid before heading over to Russell.

"Raymond, why were they laughing before?"

"I don't know, bud."

He had a huge smirk on his face. As they walked out, Raymond gently rested his head on top of Russell's.

"I took your picture."

Mildly shocked by the revelation, Russell flinched backwards the best he could and stared up at Raymond. 

"Why?"

Raymond looked every other way that Russell wasn't. Knowing that Raymond wouldn't answer him, Russell settled himself in the cart. Again, Raymond rested his head on Russell's, now with the addition of the soft vibration from Raymond's humming. Occasionally, they hit a bum in the road causing the cart to jump up a little and making Russell bump into Raymond. Russell promptly apologised each and every time only to be told that it was fine. They finally reached the car and would be on their way. Raymond opened the trunk and started packing the bags in. Unable to get out himself, Russell sat in the cart, eyes drifting back and forth as Raymond went back and forth from the cart to the car, not that it was much of a distance. Finally, after all the bags were out of the cart, Raymond turned his attention toward Russell who sat staring at him. 

"Does someone need help getting out?"

His voice was playful, which mildly annoyed Russell who nodded in response. 

"Hmmm…..maybe one more picture for I take you out."

"No."

"Awwww. Why not?"

"You already took one. Why would you need more?"

"Cause, I want more photos so I can have them printed and hang them up around the house."

Russell quickly shook his head.

"Why not? You're my special small boy! I gotta have at least a few pictures of you."

_My?_

Russell's confusion must have shown as Raymond became visibly uncomfortable.

"Um…. I'll help you."

Raymond lifted Russell out and carried to the passenger side door. He opened it before placing Russell down into the seat. Once he settled into the seat, Raymond closed the door and walked back to the truck. Russell sat fidgeting with his fingers as he waited for Raymond. The longer he waited the more anxious he became. Raymond usually never got in the car the same time Russell did, but he at least said he would be a minute. What even worsen the situation was how uncomfortable Russell believed he made him. The fidgeting of his fingers soon became scratching at his wrists. Not the front where all the cuts were, but the back as to not cause the wounds to bleed again. The last thing he needed was to explain to Raymond why his wrists were bleeding. Paranoia set it causing the scratching to get rougher and faster. Temptation occasionally brought his fingers to the front of his wrist before quickly jumping back to the opposite side. The sound of the door opening immediately made Russell stop and pull up his sleeves. The door closed with Raymond now in the car looking even more uncomfortable than originally.

"We have to go one other place…...if you don't mind….."

Russell shook his head.

"Ok…..Put your seatbelt on."

Russell did what he was asked and then turned to glance at Raymond who was doing the same what he had just asked. The engine started up before the car started backing out of the spot. To the best of his abilities, Russell rolled himself on to his side to the face the window. Again, he started to scratch the back of his wrists. For the whole drive, Russell scratched at his wrists while listening to Raymond's occasional sighing and almost constant tapping of him on the steering wheel. The drive wasn't long but the uncomfortableness made it almost unbearable. The car pulled into a smaller parking lot and into another spot. 

"You don't have to come in if you don't want to…...I can lock the cat and keep the AC on."

Russell rolled himself back over before responding. 

"I don't mind."

"Alrighty…...come on. We shouldn't be long."

The engine turned off and both got out, closing both their doors behind them. Raymond locked the car and the two headed off to the building which had a sign that read "Pharmacy". The doors automatically slid open revealing an almost pure white room. Alot larger than the white rooms Russell has been in. 

"Hey Russell, do you want to do me a favor?"

Russell nodded.

"Can you go see if you can find me a stress ball for me?"

"Um…..I can."

"Alright…...It'll be nice for you to have some time to have some free range. I won't be far if you need me."

Raymond started walking off, leaving Russell standing there.

_Stupid. Stupid. He thinks you're upset with him. Having you off by yourself so he doesn't have to look at you._

Russell shook his head, and took a deep breath. He began walking towards the lines of aisles. Calm music softly played in the background as he slowly walked through the aisles. The first aisle he checked was one he quickly went through as it was full of makeup and similar things. The second one was with paper plates, napkins and other things. Nothing of what he was looking for. While walking through the aisles, Russell's thoughts tugged at him. One telling him that something was going wrong was going to happen. The other telling him that nothing was as it wasn't nighttime and he hasn't run into anyone. His paranoid side made him jump at almost every sound. He wrapped his arms around himself and his walk became slower. The next few aisles didn't have what he needed. 

The next aisle was full of things he saw in school, when he did go at least. Notebooks, folders, lunch boxes, pencils, and pens. Seeing everything reminded him that he would eventually have to go to school, on an almost daily basis. Then again, Raymond did say he could be homeschooled. On one of the lower shelves sat a couple of stress balls lined in a box. The stress balls all looked different, had different textures, and all reacted differently when squeezed. Unsure which one would be better, he grabbed a few different ones and figured he ask Raymond which one he wanted. After picking up a few, Russell continued walking up the aisle wondering where Raymond might be. The store was fairly large but not as big as the grocery store. The end of the aisle opened up into a more spacious area. Against the back wall was shelves lined with medicine and a counter. There he saw Raymond talking to someone behind the counter. Not wanting to interrupt, Russell tried to stay hidden behind the shelves. He watched as the man behind the counter walked somewhere out of sight. Raymond leaned with his arms against the counter. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box thing. Being so far away, Russell couldn’t make out exactly what it was. Raymond fidgeted it in his hands. The man from before came back into view, which caused Raymond to quickly tuck the box back into his pockets. The man handed him a large box before going out of view again. Raymond turned away from the counter and started walking in the direction of the entrance. Deciding now would be the best time to let his presence to be known, Russell walked out from behind the shelves and was quickly spotted by Raymond. Russell walked up to him and held out the stress balls. 

"I wasn't sure which one you wanted….."

Raymond tucked the box underneath his arm before taking some of the stress balls. 

"This one's good. Did you want to get one for yourself?"

"Um….no….."

"Alright. Are you sure you don't want one? It might be good for you to have one."

"You're right….um…..This one is fine. I'll go put the rest back."

Russell started to walk back into the aisle which Raymond followed behind him. He tucked the unwanted stress balls back into their box before turning toward Raymond. 

"Thank you Russell. Now, we can finally go home."

The two started off towards the registers. 

"Hey, Russell, I'm sorry about what I said before. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…...it was just a slip of the tongue."

Raymond stopped in his tracks and looked at Russell. His eyes were sad and apologetic.

"I am not uncomfortable…...I was just…...was surprised…..I guess….."

"Really……?"

Raymond's eyes lit up a little bit. Russell nodded. He grabbed Raymond's hand and placed it on his head. Raymond smiled and ruffled his hair. 

“Come on. Let’s head to checkout, bud.”

The two continued on their way onto the checkout line which only had two people waiting. Raymond walked up to a small fridge and grabbed two bottles of water. They waited till they made it to the cashier which Raymond put everything on the counter. Taking the chance to see the box up close, Russell saw that it had pictures of what looked like square bandages on it. The cashier scanned and bagged the item before Russell could read any of the wording on it. Once the stress ball Russell asked for was scanned, Raymond asked for the item before giving it to Russell. A small tag was attached to it, but it didn’t bother Russell as he was content with just staring and squeezing it. Raymond paid the cashier and grabbed both waters out the bag before handing one to Russell. He hung the bag off his wrist while holding the water bottle in the same hand. The two wished the cashier a good day who replied with a you too. The two walked outside and Raymond walked off towards the side of the building next to a trash can. Russell watched as he opened the bottle and handed Russell the cap. Then he pulled out the small box, which Russell still couldn’t make out what it as Raymond’s hand covered most of it. Raymond opened the box and dumped some water into it before throwing in the trash can. He took the cap back from Russell before sticking it in the bag. Raymond started walking off towards the car as Russell hesitated, his brain trying to figure out the reason behind what Raymond just did. 

“I just had to throw something out. Now, come on. Let’s head home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my friend for proof reading! Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> I am so sorry this took so long to update. I have been busier and will probably take longer to update, but I will try to not to take this long again. Again, I am very sorry.


	15. Chapter 15

He didn’t wanna be there. Standing in front of the door gently knocking hoping that no one was home. Once the two got home, the day before, Raymond briefly mentioned about how he would have to go to work the day after yesterday. Which meant Russell would be in the house alone for most of the day. Russell insisted that he would be fine for a few hours, but was completely against that notion. Then Raymond brought up the fact that Russell had a friend. A friend that was poor as dirt that didn't like to accept free things. So….why not have him watch after Russell and pay him for it? Seemed like a win-win. And when Russell was asked if that was a good idea, he said yes. Why? Cause the part of him that desperately wanted to see him was talking. Not the side that was horrified to see, hear, think, talk about him. The side that was currently showing now that he was standing in front of the door. Raymond was standing behind him patting his shoulder attempting to relax him. From behind the door was a thump followed by muffled talking. From the corner of his eye, he could see a face quickly peak from the window. The door suddenly flung open and Russell being grabbed by the wrist and tugged inside. His wrists shocked with pain as he was moved to the side. He watched the door slam close before his grabber face towards him. 

“Russell! Where have you been? How have you been? Who was that guy that was behind you? Did you know he was behind you? Do I need to go---”

Russell placed his hands on Chris’s shoulders, that caused Chris to stop talking. Russell just wanted him to stop talking. He wanted to leave. He didn’t wanna look him in the eyes. He wanted to scream I’m sorry till he lost his voice. Chris wrapped his arms around Russell, tightly pulling him close. His hand gently stroked his back and softly hushed him. Russell wanted to push away, tell him not to touch such a dirty person, not to give comfort to such a disgusting person, a person that killed someone that he loved. But that stupid, desperate side that wanted the love of an old friend. A friend that always picked him out of the mud, showed him kindness, taught him the closest thing to having a familial connection. 

“Hey….relax...I’m sorry….I shouldn’t have bombarded you with questions. Come on…..let’s sit you down by the table.”

Chris started to slowly walk backwards, turning his head slightly making sure not to bump into anything. The two reached a chair, which Chris pulled out from under the table with his foot. After settling Russell in the chair, Chris walked over to the sink to grab a glass of water. Russell rested his head on the table wrapping his arms around his head. He heard Chris curse under his breath, probably because the water wasn’t barely working. He wanted to tell him he didn’t need it, but Russell knew his voice wouldn’t help Chris’s already growing concern. The sound of the facet came into forwishen before ending faster than it had started.

“Here you go. Drink some.” 

Russell lifted his head and stared at the cup before glancing at Chris, who was pulling a chair toward him. Hesitantly, he took a slip of the water, hopefully that would be enough for Chris. He felt Chris wrap his arm around his shoulder and gently leaned on his head. 

“How have you been?”

No response. 

"Where have you been?"

No response. Chris sighed and stayed silent.

“Russell…...you know I don’t ever want to pressure you, but can you at least answer one of my questions?"

Again, no response.

"Should I be worried about the person that was behind you?"

"No……"

"Who is he then?"

Russell debated whether to say that Raymond was his guardian or that he was just a friend. Sure, Chris would eventually find out sooner or later that Raymond was his guardian, but he didn't feel like telling him now and explaining anything. 

"A friend."

"Really? Has he been nice to you?"

"Yeah……"

"That's good…...um….do want me to let him in?"

"You don't have to…... it's your home….."

Chris stood up and gently patted Russell's head. Russell listened as Chris walked what he guessed was the front door. The door opened and Chris started talking which Russell partially drowned out with his own thoughts. The door closed and a second pair of footsteps. He watched Raymond come into view with a smile, sat in the chair next to the left of him of the table. Russell felt his chair shift away slightly and turned to see Chris quickly get into to his chair. 

"So…..what is your name? Full name."

"Raymond Costa."

"And why are you here?"

"Well, I came with Russell to ask you if you be willing to do something for me."

"What would that be?"

Chris leaned against Russell and threw his arms along the top of Russell's chair. 

"To just watch Russ when I'm at work."

“Really?!”

Chris shot up from his chair, almost hitting Russell in the head with his arm. That excitement quickly was replaced with curiosity. 

“Wait, why would I need to watch him while you were at work? What about his parents…..”

Chris turned a looked at Russell who was staring uncomfortly at him. Russell hoped and begged internally for Chris to drop the idea, which wasn't likely, or Raymond would say something helpful. 

"Jail. They got arrested. His parents weren't paying their rent and when the landlord went to throw them out….well….."

Chris turned to Raymond and to Russell with a big smile. 

"Russell, is that true?"

Russell gave a small nod and then lowered his head to stare at the table. He hugged Russell tightly and slowly was increasing how tight he was. 

"Those scumbags got what they deserved! I'm so happy. I'm so so happy………"

Chris buried his head in Russell's neck and Russell could feel tears against him. 

Stop it. Stop. I don't deserve to be with them…..

Against his inner thoughts, Russell wrapped his arms around Chris, trying to pull him closer to him. He glanced over and remembered that Raymond had still been sitting there. Raymond didn't say anything and gave a soft smile. The two boys stayed like that for a little bit before Chris loosened his grip and Russell let go of him. Chris stood back up and wiped his eyes before speaking. 

“So, I’m guessing Raymond here is your guardian. You never mentioned him to me, Russ.”

“Well, I met Russ when everything was going on with his parents. I work at a group that helps kids like Russ. I enjoy having him around and that it would be better for him not to go through a bunch of foster homes."

Chris glared at him before leaning into Russell's ear.

"How long have you actually known him for?"

Russell hesitated to answer. 

"We'll talk about this later."

Chris stood back up and turned to Raymond. 

"So when would you be at work?"

"Usually 8 to 4 weekdays. On rare occasions do I have to work on weekends. If I have to work late, I'll let you know as soon as possible and I'll pay you for the extra time, of course."

"I don't need money. As long as I get to spend time with Russ, that's payment enough."

Russell gently grabbed Chris's hand, which caused him to look down at him.

Stop…..please…...just let him pay you. It's payment for putting up with me.

Chris seemed to get what Russell was trying to say without him speaking. 

"How about this. You can give us money to spend however we like and whatever we don't spend, I'll keep it."

"That works perfectly fine with me. You ok with how that works, Russ?"

Russell turned toward Raymond and nodded. 

"Then it's settled then. I have to go back to work tomorrow. Hopefully you're free?"

"Yeah. I'll try and be there on time."

"You don't have to walk! I can always pick you up. And besides I didn't even tell you our address and it's pretty far away."

"Oh yeah…..well that works. Just be by the front gate at um….. we'll figure it out then. I should be up by then anyways."

"Alright. Now that that's settled, we should be heading out. I got something planned for Russ. You can come too if you want. I'm sure would love to have you with him"

Chris glanced over at Russell who gave him a nod. 

"Yeah. Come on Russ." 

Russell stood up from his chair and followed Chris to the door. Raymond followed suit and went out first and Russell did the same. Chris locked the door and then stayed by Russell's side as they walked to Raymond's car. He unlocked the doors and Chris ushered Russell into the backseat. Chris took the seat on the driver's side and Russell took the passenger side. Raymond got in and started up the car and drove off. Chris leaned against the window, but didn't watch out the window. It looked as though he was staring up inbetween the seat and the car wall. Like most of his car rides, it was quiet. He spent that time watching out the window and thinking. 

They weren't going to Raymond's as Russell wasn't familiar with the area they were in. It was a small town like area where there were big buildings, but they seemed like their own houses in a way. The car pulled into the driveway of one of the buildings. There was already another car in the driveway, one he wasn't familiar with. Russell unbuckled his seatbelt and hopped out of the car. Chris was soon at his side, walking very close to his side. They followed Raymond to the door, which he then turned and knocked on. The door opened by the familiar face of Yue. 

"Oh hello. You're here on time. That's quite surprising for you, Raymond."

"I don't know what you're referring to……..um, well, I hope you don't mind that we brought an extra……."

Raymond gestured to Chris who seemed to be staring past her into the house. 

"That's fine. You must be Chris. Russell has mentioned you before. It's a pleasure to meet you."

She held out her hand to shake, bringing Chris back to reality. They shook hands and he quickly retracted his own. 

"Russell and Chris, you two can sit and watch tv if you like while Raymond and I work on somethings. And if you wouldn't mind, please take your shoes off and leave them in the cubby." 

All three nodded and proceeded inside, Russell and Chris going first. They entered into an open floor plan. The flooring was a clean white tile that extended to the living room which was a wood flooring. On the small rug by the front door, they took off their shoes and placed them in the cubby as they were told. Everything seemed so much more expensive than what either of the two boys have ever seen. The boys carefully made their way across the tile as to make sure they didn't touch anything they weren't supposed to. They even were afraid to touch the couch. Russell grabbed a seat on it while Chris grabbed the remote. Chris sat next to him. Mixed emotions, feelings, memories danced around in Russell's head. Memories of doing what they were doing now, sitting with Chris and the comfort he felt. Russell knew he didn't deserve it, but his side that depended on him clinged to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!  
> I am so sorry this took so long to update. My friend has been busy and hasn't been able to proof read (and I don't have a lot of confidence to post big things like this without someone looking it over) so there might be a few mistakes here and there. I didn't want to keep you guys waiting any longer.


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